There is always room for growth in Days of My Destiny

Mum told me on the phone the other day that in part, she feels guilty for the way I ended up mothering my firstborn child in the early days. It was a relief to hear that..... because in part I have also felt that I mothered the way I did because of the way her life affected mine. I helped raise the younger ones and took over most of the things that needed to be done for a few years there..... so that by the time my own daughter was born.... all of it was old news. And emotionally, I just did not connect. I saw my baby daughter as a baby sister - for a long time. For up to two years.

For a long time I did blame my mother for the way my story turned out..... but I've grown up and forgiven, and realised that, well......... it is what it is. When I was a teen and when my "help" really started turning into a lot more than just help, she was raising two teenagers, going through a separation, had four toddlers/babies to take care of AND her eldest daughter had moved faraway. On top of that, she was homesick for many many years and would have felt so incredibly alone. She attended a church where - at that time - she didn't feel much of a connection (I'm saying this because I'm comparing it to how she seems to feel now with the same group of people). She was silently suffering from depression, which lasted many years and that I obviously picked up on as I grew older but it was something she didn't admit for a looooong time. She confessed that there were a few times when she'd wave us off to go to school, we'd happily (or not always so happily) catch the bus, then she'd think about perhaps gasing herself and the last 4 littlies still remaining at home. But then she'd think of us teenagers and wander how on earth we would cope and what would happen to us........

So when she mentioned the guilt the other day... I told her that there's not one DEFINING MOMENT to pinpoint my motherhood journey on. There's no PARTICULAR starting point..... I told her that I see life as a torta de mil hojas (google it), with many many layers. She then started joking about the metaphor and the conversation then went light again and we ended up laughing.

This morning she messaged me.

Thinking a lot about what you told me yesterday. There is a song that says: In its purest form, love is a whirlwind; even the wildest animal whispers compared to its trill; it stops the pilgrims and liberates prisoners; Love's care turns an old man to a boy, and only Love turns evil into good and pure...." What I want to say with this is that sometimes reprimanding without words is more effective... Perhaps if you cuddle her quietly and rock her in your arms in silence as you pray and caress her, everyone's resentments may begin to calm... I think that she feels a sense of abandonment on your part, remember you used to study and work when she was a baby and she'd always cry when you left

(That last line... she didn't always cry at my mother-in-law's, in fact as she grew older she obviously felt a sense of peace and security there, she was always only too happy to go there to be babysat.... mum's side of babysitting is a whole other story but anyhow, not relevant to this issue here today)

Then she sent another message with examples of the power of prayer and her favourite bible verse which is I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13) and she said she loves me and is praying for all of us.

I replied:

Thanks.... I know that she feels that sense of abandonment, and besides my temper has not helped... these are things I have been working on for years. The silent hugging suggestion, I have tried, in truth, I have tried everything! That is why we have sought professional help because I don't know what else to try. When she gets angry or upset, she rejects love or cuddles, she doesn't calm down but rather pushes us away physically. Anyhow. Prayer is something I have also used for a while now, but lately L and I have been praying together. Thanks for your advice and prayers, I love you!!! What hurts the most is that I was never like this as a child!!!

(That was another thing she mentioned the other day - she said she really feels for me because I was such a helpful, loyal child, always putting others first and then I got the difficult kid.... which is what I have felt at times too)

She replied

Don't worry my darling, you are a wonderful daughter! God will reward you and this will be a stage that will be overcome. A tight hug! I love you very much

So I have felt encouraged and supported by my mother, which is a complete first.

There is ALWAYS room for growth. I firmly believe this. I also see it in my own mother lately.