Payday in New Diary

I get my social security check today. The thought of leaving my apartment is causing considerable anxiety. I don’t like going out or being around people. I keep thinking people are talking about me. Besides it is a crazy world now a days. I could be in Wal Mart or the bank and somebody could come in with a gun and start shooting people. Irrational thinking at its worse which fuels the paranoia and anxiety.

Apply the thought that people are talking about me to the five rational questions. Is thought based on fact? There is no evidence to support this belief. Is it helping me achieve short term goals No. Is it helping me feel the way I want to feel without alcohol or drugs? no Is it helping me protect my life and health No it is causing considerable anxiety. Is it helping me avoid unwanted conflicts with others? No This thought is completely irrational.

Neither is the other thought about getting involved in a mass shooting It doesn’t happen all the time. There has never been one where I live so there is not based on fact. I can go through the entire list of five rational questions and come up with a no answer. I know it is irrational fear and it is not helping me get on with my life.

I need to replace these thoughts with rational thoughts. That is what I learned in therapy. A more helpful thought would be to think that I have to go out and do banking. All I need to do is go about with my business and come home. Nothing bad is going to happen. Been out a million times and came back in one piece. I can do this I can take care of my business and come home with no problems

I been going over my budget again and that is causing a lot of anxiety. I will have enough money for food. I will have enough money to buy cigars and household items. I have enough money to pay my rent, Comcast and computer. It will not be easy but I have enough money to do it. As with this issue think positive and plan carefully and live within my means .

I had good day yesterday. Fiancé and her sister went out shopping They had dinner at Ponderosa Then they went to Wal Mart, Dollar General and the Goodwill store. I was not feeling well and didn’t feel like leaving my apartment. I stayed home. I did a lot of reading yesterday. I’m still reading about John Marshall. They brought me back a good sandwich from McDs and that was my supper. I spent the evening doing some more reading and went to bed early.

I am doing much better on the Celexa. It is helping with the depression. Anxiety and paranoia are high. Paranoia is high because I think I am isolating myself. I just do not want to leave my apartment. I will hear people walking down the hallway and think automatically think they are talking about me. These feeling passes. I get back to doing what I do and I am ok. Guess I am really very suspicious of other people in this apartment building.

Always remember the good things that are going on. 1) I am alive. 2) I have a roof over my head. 3) I have a wonderful fiancé. 4) I have food to eat and clothes to wear.5) I have money for meds. 6) I have a brand new hearing aid. 7) I have books to read 8) I have a wonderful support system at Healthways 9) Bill collectors are not hounding me 10 I have phone internet and cable 11) I am in good physical health. Life is pretty damned good .

Well I called Healthways to confirm our appointment. My case manager was not in yet. I don’t know what to do if she does not come in today. I need to get to the bank. My computer payment is due today. Don’t know what to do wit tghat Going to call them again and see if somebody else can take me.

Well I’ve been on the phone with Healthways twice. First she said she was going to talk with the supervisor. Supervisor was going to call my case manager. I called a second time and they said the case manager did not return the calls. I said I really need a ride today and wee had this lined up. Girl at the desk said to call back in ten or fifteen minutes. Perhaps she can get one of the other girls to take me. This really takes the cake. I mean I think this is a half assed way of doing business. My case manager did not show up. I had an important appointment with her. Why did I get to talk to this supervisor and then she would check to see about getting somebody else to take me to my appointments? I have to call again in another ten fifteen minutes. Well call around 10 This is bullshit.

11:51am I made it out today. Case manager came around 11 am. She took me to the bank and then to Wal Mart. I put money on my debit card. I did a little shopping. I bought subs and pizza Then we went to Gumby’s . I got cigarettes. I only had to buy two cartons this month and that came to $23.

I asked her about my diagnosis. We talked about that and I feel a little bit better. Then she said I need to change my morning routine. I need to get up and take a shower make coffee. That will help me feel a bit better during the day. Then I need to go for a walk. She said that will change the chemicals in my brain I can change my routine but I refuse to go outside. I just don’t want to leave my apartment unless it is absolutely necessary.

Last updated August 03, 2015