under pressure *vent* in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

apparently this is a vent which is why it won’t allow for notes.

i. this has to do w/ my entry about me not being able to handle the pressure. maybe i can and maybe i can’t or maybe i just need a damn break. so i gave myself one. i stopped brusing my teeth as much. cause igot tired of doing it for like 4, 5 wks. at the same time every day. and now they’re all on me about brushing them cause they don’t believe i am. well which i wasn’t when they asked me to. yeah omygod yesterday steph had me do it 3x cause she didn’t watch the 2nd time. and then when i go back to my room that’s when she asks me to. not when i’m still in the bathroom. fukin inconvenience. i’ve stopped turning my light off too. unless asked. cause again the pressure. oh and also this is my way of getting back at amber. i didn’t say it was a good way. this is how i communicate. by not tlaking to whomever. evidently i don’t want to actually talk to people. [well. i don’t esp. if i don’t have much interest in improving things between us].
it’s like well if she’s [amber] going to put all these rules and restrictions on me then i’m not going to do some of what they want. which only furthers my problem. yeah of course it does that’s the other point of it. icould always not but that doesn’t feel as good. um.
the other day steph was telling me i should find out why i do the things i do and talk to someone about them. whenever someone starts a sentence that way it implies i haven’t. people should try asking me if i know why and then leave it at that. i.e. if it’s raining and someone..........no that’s not a good example. like yesterday when i was brushing my teeth she told me that i hadn’t brushed part of them yet. ok yeah i know. thank you capt. obvious. thank you for you know insulting my intelligence. i was getting to that. and it was the 3rd time she’d asked me to brush them too so by that point.......... she talks so much when i brush my teeth and i forgot about that. omygod.
so apparently i’m back here again. annoyed w/ her. and just in general. i was feeling better before i got all vent-y and stuff. um. idk. the pressure. something had to give and that was it. i don’t think anyone can do exactly what they’re supposed to do all the time. it’s just not possible. but see that’s what they want and they want it for more than just like 2 wks. and i don’t feel like that’s realistic. it seems like they’re dragging this out longer than they should but i’m also contributing to that. but i also don’t feel like i’m fully ready. which is ok. maybe i can handle the pressure maybe i can’t maybe i just need more of a break than what i’m getting. [and of course by me having certain days i’ll do things i’m only making it worse. and then i bitch about it w/ no intention tosolve it untill i’m ready to but untill that point comes i um. keep going on about it]. those who don’t talk........well they bitch. i do anyway. maybe i just don’t want to try not in this regard. no actually i don’t want to try so how can i say i need more of a break when. i really don’t have much to need a break from. i’ve been avoiding emotional shit for a really long time. so i guess.........there’s not really a problem. well i mean there are problems and i am going through stuff. but i don’t fully appreciate this and i sure as fuk don’t deserve it. i know it’s well meant but don’t try and convince me otherwise. cause untill i believe it myself it won’t mean a damn thing.
again this is a vent, so..........yeah.