i'm just so angry. ping pong. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

so as put. i’m just so angry. w/ Pat. ya know i never had problems w/ him [which is weird since w/ most people w/i 2 wks. they annoy me] when he was here but yet when he’s not. and he’s never coming back. i do. i just. i’m so angry w/ him. i feel like he wasted his life drinking. and he didn’t. i mean during the last the last parts of his life he’d been trying to get a job. he went to karaoke. not like he was sitting around drinking. but he had a good. like 10 yrs. left. [well idinno about ‘good’ but he had 10 yrs. left]. and he. no he chose to drink that night if that’s what happened. and then he went to sleep just like every other night and then. except that night he didn’t wake up. that’s how i want to go too in my sleep. i hope. he was comfortable.
But at the same time it’s like what the hell. he could’ve been. well i don’t know exactly I just feel he had more time to live. he might’ve been the exact same way he was. but he would’ve been here. instead of um well not. I’d still do anything to have him back or at least that’s the way it feels. no I’m not making this about him i’m making it about me. there were all those nights I chose to drink. and there was one night when I was at my ex’s and he cut me off [this was back when we were together]. and thank god he did regardless of how i feel about him now.
again I don’t know if there were times Pat didn’t drink. i mean i knew he drank but he didn’t seem like an alcoholic. he was never violent never mean. hardly ever discongenial. not when we were together. or maybe I just never knew that side of him. and maybe i was lucky i didn’t. according to Evan uhm. Pat made it seem like everything was ok. when it wasn’t. i do that too. maybe Pat did tell someone i don’t know. I knew he believed in God. so maybe he told God i really have no idea. The times when I drank heavily i was. terrible. to people and in general. yeah i’m not proud of it.
also according to Evan some of his [Pat I mean] best memories were w/ me. and that makesme happy. and it means a lot. i know some guys don’t talk about their emotions which is fine. so maybe us just hanging out watching movies. or at karaoke was enough for him. but now knowing what i know.............it wasn’t enough for me. in those moments it might’ve been but looking back.......and knowing........
we sang. duets together a few i remember that.
I’m angry bc I feel like he was taken from us too soon. well and he was. he was like our romeo. or our tony. cause he left too soon.
When I first found out. well ok i got to find out twice. i found out via Joe on fri. march 15th. and i just sat there and cried. i remember the proximity of things. i was at the bar of course for their band night. i remember after Joe told me he said ‘i will let you mourn’. that was the best thing he could’ve said. joe’s one of the nicest guys. he’s a bar regular. and almost 2.5 yrs. later here i am. still mourning. when my grandmother passed it didn’t take this long. that was a little over 4 yrs. ago. it was just. different. so after that night. well the next wk. at karaoke i found out again via mandi.
and i remember for some time after i was in shock. and that’s what got me through. then. and then i just. got completely obliterated as all hell. it was well it was bad. i’m not ready to detail but basically i couldn’t handle everything that had happened since dec. and it um. manifested itself. yeah it got really bad. i was upset i was incredibly devestated i was sick.
i feel like. it’s not fair for me to going back to my orig. point be angry w/ Pat esp. since he’s not here. but i am. bc he left bc he was taken from us bc he um. .............. bc he is never coming back. and that sucks. he was my best friend. he was amazing. he was wonderful. and one of the most beautiful people i’d ever met. but he was also. an alcoholic. as was i. i still consider myself one even though i don’t drink heavily much. he was both. and now i’m starting. to fully see the other side.
no advice please. if you relate then. go ahead and let that be known.