Thursday Morning in New Diary

Yesterday I was doing wonderful. I got out of my apartment Fiancé and her ex got together. We all went for a ride up to the Hancock County Senior Center also stopped at Tomlinson Run State Park. Then we went home. Had a good supper of hot dogs and canned fruit. Watched the news with my fiancé and after she left I watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. I did a little bit of reading and went to bed early.

I had a bad night. I was up and down a lot. Think I had some bad dreams but I don’t remember them I do remember waking up and screaming at one point. Got up late around 7 and took my new med Celexa. This is the second day. I woke up feeling kind of shitty. Depression is back. On a scale of one to 10 I would rate the depression a five. Still/ feel kind of listless and doles. I don’t take much pleasure in things I used to do and do not feel like doing a lot of things.

I guess the new med hasn’t sunk in yet. They told me it will take a couple of days for the med to start working and I would feel kind of strange on it at first. I guess they knew what they were t alking about. Depression comes and goes. Yesterday I had a good day. Today it is all dark and gloomy This morning I keep thinking things will never change and I will never be able to shake this feeling.

Irrational thinking I guess. I must remember the five rational questions. Is thought based on fact No. Got to give the new med a chance. I am going for a psychological evaluation Friday and they will be able to come up with a new diagnosis and a treatment plan. 2 Is thought helping me feel the way I want to feel no.3 Is thought helping me achieve goals ? No 4 Is thought helping me with my life and health ? No Is thought helping me avoid unwanted conflicts No This is completely irrational.

I cannot predict the future. There is help out there for me. I need to change that and get replace it with new thoughts. Need to help give the new med a change. Need to help- Looked up Celexa on Wikipedia and it is a pretty good med. Supposed to be a good med for depression and other forms of mental illnesses. I need to give it a chance and wait for it to kick in

Speaking of this psychological evaluation I am kind of worried about it. I do not know what kind of testing I will be going through. Case manager said that it will be for three hours from 3-6pm That is a long test. I keep thinking that they will find some serious shit going on in my brain. I keep thinking I will be stuck up there without a ride home. These thoughts are causing a lot of anxiety. Think I will give my case manager a call and perhaps she can give me more information about these tests .

I just got off the phone with Brittaney. She said it is not a written test. The psychologist will ask questions . He is trying to get an idea of what my personality might be like. Part of the test I will be asked what I might do in certain situations. He is trying to figure out why I get and stay depressed for so long a period of time. She said there is no need to worry and she will take me home.

1:05pm I have been trying to read. I am still reading a book called John Marshall: Definer of a Nation by Jean Edward Smith. I am on an interesting chapter about Virginia’s ratifying convention and the role Marshall played in it. Problem is I have a hard time concentrating. I read for a few minutes then stop. I take little or no pleasure in doing something L love to do. It seems like a stupid waste of time.

I just feel very depressed today for some reason. But that is nothing new . I’ve been severely depressed now for more than two weeks. I cannot seem to shake it. Also, paranoia is high. I hear voices out in the hall and I think people are talking about me. It doesn’t help matters that I don’t want to leave my apartment. in addition I pigged out on peanut butter sandwiches I have a tendency to overeat when I am depressed. Feel kind of bloated.

Again I do not understand why I feel so depressed. I keep reminding myself of all the good things I have in my life. 1) I am alive and that is a good thing. 2) I have a wonderful fiancé 3) I have a nice apartment 4) I have food to eat and clothes to wear 5) I have money for meds. 6) I have phone, internet and cable hookup. 7) I have a new hearing aid. 8) I have a wonderful support system at Healthways 9) I am in good physical health 10) I have interesting books to read. I have ten good things going on in my life and I am still very depressed and paranoid.

Yesterday I was feeling good. Today I feel like shit. I do not understand it. I just do not understand why I am so frigging depressed. I hate this feeling I hate this feeling with a passion and can’t seem top help myself. Things really do seem hopeless in the fact that I will never be able to change. I feel like I am a lost cause.

Been worried about finances for next month. Been worried about that credit card. I think when I get it I am going to cancel it. I keep thinking that I will go crazy and start making purchases on my card. I think it was a big mistake in getting it. I am going to cancel it as soon as possible before going crazy on it. Been kind of worried about that .

Also been thinking about that stupid psychological evaluation Friday. The more I think about it the more I am reluctant to go through with it. I was wondering that they might find out that I am really crazy with some kind of severe mental health problem. Case manager said it is only to find ou why I get so depressed and can’t shake it. But I can’t imagine going through a three hour test only to find out that I am depressed. I can already tell them I’m depressed.

Last updated July 30, 2015