i............... in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

i. i’m a godamn wreck. this doesn’t happen often. i can’t handle the pressure. and for once i’m being realistic. i can’t handle the pressure of doing what they want me to do every damn day. i don’t want to adjust my sleep schedule when they want me to. i’m sorry. i’m so fuking sorry. they’re either going to put me somewhere stricter or give me no place to live. yes ‘give’ as though i want it. and in a way i do just so i can create more drama. do i want to be in services? yeah. for the helluva it. yeah bc of the perks the godamn convenience of it. to have a place to live and to have nice people around me. but i don’t cause of the pressure. they keep fukin trying. and actually what i really want to do is cut.
my mom’s not going to defend me anymore. and that fukin hurts. it hurts when you realise people aren’t your super people anymore. ya know? i want them to back the hell off. yeah they’ll say they tried that. and it hasn’t worked. i know there are shelters downtown but i. don’t like living by someone else’s rules. so. the pressure’s what’s going to end up fuking me over in the end. and yeah it’ll be my own damn fault. i’m sorry that i’m not strong enough. to handle this. yeah if eel awful that i disappointed my mom. but i don’t think that’ll be enough. bc. i always act like i don’t care. bc i am so scared to be this way. to be this damn vulnerable and lose control and want to cut and. i’ve gotten at evan orat least the last number i have for him. i told 2 of my other friends what’s been going on. no wait 3. i told clint. i’ve done mostly all i can for right now. i just really want someone to call. i need to hear voices. i care god i care. if i didn’t i wouldn’t be so scared. it’s just more comfortable for me to shut people out. warmth scares the crap out of me. i live in a cold rigid world. i have nothing else to put except to circle talk.which no one’s stopping me from doing except it wouldn’t go anywhere.