New job. FML. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I started the new job today at the department store. I know someone that started with me so I’m glad she was there to keep me company. She doesn’t work again until Friday so Monday and Thursday are going to suck without her. Basically our job is putting clothes on the appropriate hangers and making sure everything looks good and has the right tags. I highly doubt that putting clothes on hangers is my calling and I just know that I have to find something else, ASAP!

I have that interview on Tuesday for the beauty salon and I’m really scared that if I don’t get offered a job, I’m going to spiral into a depression like no other. I just haven’t been happy in about a month now and I just have to find it somewhere. I know that happiness starts on the inside but it’s hard to be happy when you don’t like where you spend the brunt of your time. I’m just frustrated and scared because I’m all by myself and there’s no help for me. I know that I’m going to do my very best at this interview and plan to go in there and rock it like a boss but there’s no guarantee they’ll like me enough to give me a job either.

This has definitely been one helluva month. I never thought I’d be in this situation at all. It’s crazy that I’ve already been through 3 different jobs in the past month. It’s never been my plan to go through a slew of jobs but I can’t stay where I don’t feel comfortable. I’m also extremely ADHD and need to be at a job that keeps me mentally stimulated and physically busy because standing in one spot processing clothes is making me question my sanity. I did it for one day and already want out.

I don’t know if I’m completely miserable or I’m still stuck on my old job where I was so comfortable for so long but I gotta figure something out. I would love to put in more applications on Monday but I work 11-4 so that’s pretty much out. I also have to hope I can reschedule my appointment on Wednesday because I have my cleaning the same day and it’s too much hell trying to reschedule that because the place is always booked. I don’t want to put it off, especially knowing that I may not be able to my insurance for another month or two until I can get seen.

It’s just so crazy how quickly your life can change. I never had a plan to get into something else because I didn’t have to but now, I know that I have to figure it out. I know that I have to work but I also want to be somewhere that’s going to keep me busy and social. I feel super lonely processing clothes because you only see and talk to like 2-3 people a day and it’s hard to really talk about anything other than ask questions about what you are doing. I need more socially. I honestly felt lonely! My back and feet hurt so bad so I’m glad I only signed up to be there part time because if I had to be there more than 20 hours a day, I’d fucking die.

I just feel like I’ve lost my way. I was unemployed for so long because of health issues, because I didn’t have any self-confidence, and because I just didn’t believe in myself and the past 20 months have proven I’m everything I never thought I was. I know that what I did for a living wasn’t a career or anything but I was happy there and I hate knowing I lost it. I know that it was my time for many reasons but I just wish things could have been different, way different. I’m now just scared to death that I’m never going to find something I can see myself doing long-term and end up losing my car and everything I’ve worked so hard for.

I know that I have a little bit of time to explore things but I just want to be settled already. I hate knowing that I don’t like my job and I can’t just quit until I can find something else. I want to work but I want to be happy and comfortable where I work too.

As sad as it is to say, I’m still thinking about Matt and really wish things could have been different. Maybe I shouldn’t have changed my number. I just know I wasn’t happy and was just too scared to be drug down a vicious cycle of shit like I’ve dealt with before. He made it very clear that he had no emotional attachment to me whatsoever, was selfish, and had to intention of ever doing right by me but I still wish I would have given it more time before I dipped out.

Anyways, I have to get up early with lil miss in the morning so I’m gonna lay down and get some rest. Praying for a miracle.