Friends help me figure shit out. in Since OD is shutting down....

I went to my orientation today at 1 and didn’t leave until 6pm. I was happy that someone I know got hired as well and was there. It was ridiculous that we were there for so long and really didn’t do much and it still took forever. I got yelled at for being on my phone at some point because we had to watch a video twice because someone had to run to get their SS card so I was scrolling through Facebook and a manager yelled at me. I wanted to fucking leave I was so pissed but the manager that was leading the orientation said to not worry about it and my friend told me that she doesn’t want to be there without me.

I came home, ate some food and then just hung out for awhile. I don’t work until Saturday morning so I’m just going to enjoy my 2 days doing nothing. I went over to my friends house tonight and talked about Matt. I like that she completely gets me and my thinking patterns but sometimes it’s frustrating because I hate that she knows me so well. Like, she fucking gets me.

So because I changed my phone number last night, I decided to block my number and call Matt. Honestly, I don’t know why but he had changed his too!! It completely took me by surprise because I’ve never had someone do that before and because I didn’t think he’d care that much. My friend pointed out how many times I’ve done this shit of pushing men away and that Matt and I were probably more alike than what I ever realized. I know she’s right but I just couldn’t help but feel that I was just wasting my time and it was never going to lead to anywhere. I would have been perfectly happy just being fuck buddies but he would say so much to push me away and she said that he did it because he had feelings for me but it was better to push me away so he didn’t get hurt.

My friend helped me realize that completely shutting out the idea of finding even a fuck buddy is probably not the best solution just because of a bad experience so I’ve posted a new ad but will not be so quick to give out my number and was entirely specific in what I was looking for. I just want a fuck buddy but I realize now that there has to be boundaries and certain limitations with it. I don’t want someone who’s going to ask me to hook them up with my friends and I want someone I could actually get to know, not someone who shuts down when I try to talk about personal things. I also don’t want people just getting a hold of me when they want a booty call.

All I know is I’m going to die if he responds to my new ad. He probably won’t know it’s me but it would hurt because we ended on such a bad note but if he does, I’m not going to respond. It sucks that things worked out like they did but he fucked up long before I changed my number. We both made our choices and now it’s time to just take it as a lesson learned and keep moving forward. It honestly bothers the fuck out of me that he’s in the exact same mindset as my ex. I just wish he understood that I didn’t change my number to be mean, I did it to protect myself from another heartache.

Anyways, it’s super late and I need to lay down because it’s hurting my back sitting up on my bed. Goodnight.