it's what i need right now in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

again. from yesterday:

‘I know I haven’t mentioned this cause well I haven’t blogged in awhile save for today.

so my friend CA guy [evan] he came back. er ok so he’d moved to CA almost a yr. ago and he came back here [i’m in CO] a.......um. yeah a wk. ago today. we don’t know how long he’s staying. I hadn’t seen him in almost a yr. [he moved last nov. nov. 2014 I mean]. we got together tues. and wed. and it was nice. tues. was lovely and wed. was ok our time together. as a person overall I love him but there are some things I really don’t like about him. but over the last month he’s seemed better. [which isn’t the point of this entry i’m just giving backround info here]. he’s my closest friend.

and ya know. it’s what I need right now. someone that physical as physical as I am and that sweet. and devoted. oh and he’s funny too. just. to be like. cuddling or hugging or w/e and to talk about w/e. I trust him more than I trust anyone else. and we’re more than friends but we’re. we’re ok w/ that. well I am. it’s funny: when we’re together it doesn’t feel right to not be close to him to not be cuddling or hugging. he’s such a cuddler that guy.

I mean I have my mentor and he’s great. and while steph and jenn are nice I don’t open up to them much if at all. but that’s different that’s a different dynamic.

and the reason I need it right now is cause. whether I spend much time thinking about it or not. yeah moruing’s hard. omygod. I think it is for a lot of people. when our best friend [Pat] passed almost 2.5 yrs ago he [evan I mean] and I. we really latched onto each other at a time when we really needed each other. and i’m back there again.

ya know. I believe the universe has a certain way of arranging things. er. what I mean is it has its own way of doing this. like oh if event a hadn’t happened maybe event b wouldn’t’ve. I don’t know maybe it would’ve who’s to say. and. hm........... ok so here’s what i’m talking about/getting at: so about a month ago I talked to Kar-her. my friend who’d ‘left’ [as in she left this physical earth. i’m not yet ready to put the other thing]. and I told her how I felt about it. and her. and ya know that really helped. but it was also scary after. it’s like here I am letting go of this big thing. that fills something inside of me. and since I’ve let it go I have this emptiness. and I don’t like that. see this is why i’d never let go of things. having that the thought of that big dark emptiness scares me. I need something there. [well. er actually I have something there it’s just. different].

and. I think in order for me to focus [at some point] on the whole Christopher thing or to enjoy my time w/ my friend [well. to enjoy it more fully and presently] or w/e. I needed to have that big dark emptiness. there. even though it terrifies me.

so that’s what I meant. ‘