123 Strong! in QUOTIDIEN

Opened my email this morning to find 123 emails waiting for me. I’ve received offers to extend my penis, have my tires changed, and receive a bank loan tooooo....accomplish these little luxuries? Pfft! Who needs a man?! Oh wait…hang on, here - looks like that would be me. Turns out, I should join an online dating website like OK Stupid or something.

Free credit scores (just input your credit card information HERE, here, and here), I can enter an alcohol rehab ‘NOW’, find the love of my life online AGAIN (joke’s on them - I can do that in rehab), and read some obscure rantings of a conspiracy theorist on those things that has our President on the knife’s edge of a nervous breakdown.

According to my inbox, I should prove my patriotism by joining the NRA (are you SURE you want to unsubscribe from the email list? We have guns, you know!), and…oops…convince my friends to defeat alcoholism - and aren’t they sorry to see me go.

One asks if I’ve heard the news of how Obama has now ruined the country by supporting gay marriage - BUT IT’S NOT TOO LATE!!!, and the government will pay me to go solar.

It has apparently come to ‘their’ attention that I have reached retirement age at the tender age of 52, but according to another email, I’m way past that and have been notified that I should sign up for a burial spot now before it’s too late.

At this point, the invitation to join a Wine Club sounds like a splendid idea. I’ll learn to be an alcoholic, and sing ‘Oh let the sunshine in, face it with a grin…‘ in 3-part harmony all by myself. I’ll join the NRA, get a loan to buy a pink camo, semi-automatic rifle, shoot up the White House, join rehab, meet the man of my dreams, have him change my tire, talk him into a penile extension, get old before my time, and wind up wasting precious space underground, where I’ll live out the rest of my eternity in UNSUBSCRIBE HELL!

Last updated May 14, 2016