Let's Get Out of Here / Birthday Talk in Days of My Destiny

We're going to Maitland on Saturday night. I need to get out of this town for a night, without having to travel so far home to family. I need to go somewhere different. I need to be around people who don't give a shit but also love me. My cousins will do.

I just saw a photo of my younger brother at his formal. I am in shock. The years have gone like .... like what? How do you even describe the passage of time when it goes so fast that all you can feel is emotionless, sitting here with a blank stare, wondering how on earth did this person go from having chubby face and strawberry fat lips and needing milk bottles and nappies changed.... to full-grown, tall young man, wearing a fucking suit? How?!?!?!?

Anyway I'm looking forward to Maitland, because it'll give me something to talk about. Ha. Also, a change in scenery.

I'm not so down about my birthday tomorrow now. After I put the girls to bed tonight, I had a shower. Totally relaxed, I came out wearing nothing but a towel. I put on a shirt, then walked to the lounge room to find some bottoms to wear amidst the mountains of laundry. My plan straight after that was to play the guitar in the spare room, since L was stuffing around on the computer (trying to get Microsoft Office and Norton installed). Then he asked if I wanted to help him wash the dishes. I swear my body tensed up straight away, I could feel it. Why in the fucking world would I want to WASH DISHES?!?!? Hello I've just had a shower! I said, "Do we have to?" He said, "Well if we don't do it now, it'll be messy on your birthday."

Really? Because walking in to a clean kitchen will change my day tomorrow? Because it will make my birthday SOOOO much better? Because it will free me from all the OTHER mundane things I will have to do anyway?? Oh my goodness, I was just so... annoyed. I ended up telling him it would make no difference, so he said, "Fine, let's not do it, I don't care." I knew he was annoyed because really he was just looking out for me and my reaction to his selflessness wasn't appreciated. I understood, but come on...... I cried and told him that I HATE birthdays with kids. He didn't hear me so I said, "Nothing, I'm going for a walk," and grabbed tissues before walking out the door.

Thank goodness for nature and sunsets and cool breezes, seriously. There is ALWAYS soothing, ALWAYS comfort, ALWAYS room for reflection and clarity in these surroundings.

I figure.... at least I am not in hospital right now, fighting for my life, unable to enjoy a birthday at all.

I remind myself that..... children are a blessing. In my case, I am blessed a thousandfold because both of my children are one hundred percent healthy, functioning spectacularly.

I think..... my husband really IS just beautiful, doing what he can to make my birthday as special as it's going to get given the circumstances.

I walk back inside. He's standing there, washing up. I start drying and putting away. I turn on the radio and we make casual conversation (wish that word was LOVE instead of conversation, hahahaha). Then he makes me a cup of tea and we put on an episode of Breaking Bad (we are almost at the end of Season 3 now). We watch and chat and talk about my birthday. He tells me he's excited for my birthday, I apologise for chucking a stink at the dishes. He says he understands how frustrating it must be to have birthdays down here when he's on shift work and we're not......... he drops off, and I know he means "near family."

And that's all I needed. To just SAY this stuff out loud. Now I'm fine. He even thought that maybe secretly I don't want to turn 29 and that THAT'S what is REALLY bothering me. LOL. As if. I like the idea of being 29. The only time I had any trouble with a birthday was when I was turning 21, I couldn't handle the thought. I remember thinking, "Damn it... now I'm REALLY starting to get old." Pfft, what an idiot, lol.