christmas in july in poetry

frosty the reindeer had two antlers made of coal
fed Coca-Cola to polar bears and they didn’t even die
had a belly like a bowl full of jelly that mystics could follow from the east
glowing red hot the wizards brought him gifts of Nutrafast and bariatric surgery

he was found in a manger made out of wood from the bodhi trees
guarded by werewolves and great heaving golems
wrapped in swaddling red-and-blue robes with a giant S-symbol on them
and when he was five he built his adoptive parents Joe and Mary Kent
a log cabin out in the suburbs of Chicago
McHenry, some people say
the specifics have been lost to the great fog of time
but we do know he went to school with Molly Ringwald and Judd Hirsch
Judd would always get paranoid when they got high together
so he nicknamed the guy “Judd Harsh” for harshing their mellow
when they were platooned together in the Clone Wars
he told all their buddies and the name stuck
but the tale of Sgt. Harsh and his Screaming Death-Bringers
that would be an unnecessary tangent

frosty had dropped out of college and was working as a patent clerk
when he hit his head on a sink and came up with the idea for the gamma bomb
later when a computer fell out of a tree causing a second concussion
he founded Apple Computers with funding from the Illuminati and the Chubb Group
the Few Charitable Trust wanted in too but there was too few of them
and when frosty went golfing with President Johnson
they mostly just made rude jokes about the name of the Chubb Group
and planned out the secret invasion of Mars
those six armed bastards never knew what hit them

he worked as an advertising consultant for a while
teaching brand management to cowboys on ranches
but got distracted by the invention of the Nintendo
and became the first and only person
to figure out to shoot the dog in Duck Hunt
oh, Duck Hunt dog, you weren’t smiling then
not when frosty the reindeer came to town
making an enemies list
checking it with Clippy the Animated Paperclip Word Processing Assistant
finding out if you were naughty and tried to descramble the Spice Channel

in the middle of World War One
when the German and British troops took Christmas off
and played soccer together on the frozen killing fields
frosty the reindeer was the referee
he didn’t have to give anyone red or yellow cards
no unsportsman-like conduct at all
they were just out there to kick a ball around
have a good time
by Boxing Day the generals all put a stop to that
kill hard or go home, they said
but you can’t actually go home, they added
so frosty split that scene
got in his rocket-blimp
headed back to the North Pole for a while
his faith in man only dented
but his faith in the leaders of men broken forever

but he’ll be back again one day
some kid will say “charcoal antlers” three times into just the right mirror
someone will spill salt then throw some over their shoulder to blind the devil
and frosty will be there to use it to rim the edge of his martini glass
frosty the reindeer and his magic are not gone forever
but they’re gone for a while
we got too big for our britches
we got greedy
no more presents for a while until this whole thing cools off
but somewhere frosty lies in wait
resting until just the right trigger from the good girls and boys and boths and neithers
and brother, I am looking forward to that