Stressed doesn't begin to say how I feel. in Since OD is shutting down....

I haven’t slept for shit since this shit started almost 2 weeks ago. I’m trying really hard to enjoy my time off but knowing I’m not making money is always in the back of my mind. The bills aren’t going to stop and I’m terrified if I don’t find and and keep a job soon, things are going to get really hard for me. I’ve already blown off my gym membership, car insurance and health insurance. The next thing is my cable bill. I still haven’t turned that off yet but I have to.

My sleep is getting to be a real problem. Even with taking 3 Tylenol Pm every night, I’m still wide awake until 3 or 4 am and it’s enough to make me break down. I’ve always had problems with sleep but now it’s a million times worse. I didn’t sleep well last night and then today after my interview, I did manage a good 45 minute nap and actually woke up feeling like I had slept. This no job thing is harder and harder everyday because I’m scared that if I go too long without a job, I’m going to fade back into letting my social anxiety win.

The job I interviewed with again today is only part time and they are only allowed to offer 10-15 hours a week. I’m hoping it will be more but most of these retail jobs are like this. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m never going to get out of the food business because there’s never a shortage of hours. All of this is just driving me bat shit crazy.

I’m scared I’m going to have to beg for my old job back and I’ll just die if I have to go back because I was fucking miserable there. It’s not where I want to be at all but I can’t just be jobless for too long either. I’m going to see about talking to my old boss tomorrow because I need to get her to fill out that form and return my stuff. I’m hoping she might mention something about me coming back because I know they are hurting for people but I just don’t know.

I’ve been feeling an emotion that I haven’t felt in a long time and it’s boredom. I like hanging out at home watching tv and what not but I’m honestly bored as shit. It’s getting hard to entertain myself and I’m starting to feel lonely. I just can’t be without a job for too long because I know how I was before and I never want to go through that again.

So that guy that I hung out with the other night said something about us hanging out tonight but today he hasn’t said anything about it today and I know he has his kid so I’m not going to say anything. I’m just not sure I’m into him and I really don’t want to date someone with a kid. I have been down that road and I remember how much heartache and frustration it caused and I would hate to feel that all over again. He’s a cool guy and everything but I’m not physically attracted to him at all. He’s got a really big round belly and it’s a huge turn off.

I just wish I knew what to do. It also bothers me that my brother is never really about me hanging out now but when I was working, he was always pissed that I couldn’t be around but now that I can, I barely hear from him unless it’s because he needs something. He really pisses me off and I don’t want to hang out with them anyway because I go through at least a half a pack of smokes every time and I just can’t do that right now. I’m also pissed because yesterday he was bitching about not having gas in his car and I told him how I don’t even have a job right now and I wish that was my biggest problem. If I don’t get something figured out, I may not even have a job much longer! Fuck him and his selfishness!!!

I wish anyone understood what I’m going through right now and it would be nice to have more compassionate people around. It’s really tough trying to be my own support system because either no one gives a shit or they have just too many of their own problems going on. This is definitely not how I thought my job situation would be and I just hope I’m able to fix it soon or I’m going to be in a world of shit. I just have to find something.

Ugh, I don’t know. I guess I’ll sit here and watch tv and think about how pitiful my life has become. I know there’s a solution, I just haven’t found it yet.