i...........music emotions crying. Pat. more personal things. *long* in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

idinno. i’m tired and emotional right now. and anxious. omygod. and thirsty. and.......

so as usual today clint & I were listening to the radio and this song came on called ‘see you again’. I don’t know who it’s by. and I just. started crying. he’s like ‘are you ok?’ ‘yeah’ ‘are you sure?’. I think. maybe. idinno that I. wanted to go into things right then. which is fine. but what he did was ok. ya know he checked in.
and then after the song ended I wanted to cut. bc. ..........and I was thinking about this. then. I want some way to express how i’m feeling w/o talking about it. and I have that crying. I just don’t do it a lot.
ever since it happened she..........she left. us. I haven’t blogged about my stepgrandmother. or how she went. I don’t do that I avoid things. but when there’s music. it brings that out in me. just like Pat. actually exactly like Pat. did. he brought out the depth and emotion in people well I think he did. in 5 mins. I can go from being. the saddest person you’ll ever know to the happiest person you’ll ever know esp. when there’s music involved.
on a personal level i’m. not great. yes certain things are better. like my health. and hopefully my weight. I’ve not talked to evan in almost 2 wks. and while that’s been hard it’s been better for me. um. i’m socializing I guess in a way. I see my mom, my sister and clint weekly. things w/ dr. dumke are going well. but I just. my ptsd’s been more evident lately. my depression’s the same. and then we have the whole. peoplepassing thing. and that’s hard. even if I didn’t know the person just 3 in like what a month? and for a lot of people it is hard. for some it’s not.
I know. she loved us my stepgrandmother [well I know she loved me]. and we loved her. well I did. I never wanted to change how I felt about her. so I didn’t. I never asked for the details of . her not being nice to others. if I pass like tomorrow [i’m not going to] I want to be remembered good. er I mean well I want to be remembered well. I think most people do. presumably. and maybe i’m better off bc I didn’t ask. ya know. maybe it’s better for me that my mom hasn’t told me ‘well one day she said this awful thing to your dad’.
I just still feel alone. I want to know that someone else loved her. and maybe they did someone I don’t know and never met. I hope they did.
um.........................oh right. so on tues. I saw dr, dumke. and I talked a little about what happened between my mom & I. and that was hard just as I knew it would be. but w/ this. the recent events mentioned above. it’s seemingly harder. the more personal things are seemingly harder. I only detailed 2 of the incidents. and well when I see her I have a thing I type up for what I want to go over. and so I wrote that I should talk about it and that it wasn’t a place I liked being and didn’t go to often, or something like that. and it’s not.
I need soco my go-to drink. it has been ever since my ex I broke up. it’s funny; when we weren’t yet official he invited me to a holiday get together. and that’s the first time I had soco. in spiked eggnog. and then. the weekend we broke up I had it. it’s like it came full circle or something. no actually that’s exactly what it is. um but anyway. and then it quickly became my fave drink. it’s also the one I get tired of the fastest. same w/ chai. I love chai. except for starbucks chai.
I’ve been thinking about my ex lately. [well this is turning into a long entry]. I never smoked before I met him either and I don’t mean weed I mean cigs. I’ve smoked a cig or 2 in my day. I don’t like make a habit of it or anything. it’s not particularly good for a person as we all know. and actually. I smoked my first one. like. ..............um.................I think just short of a yr. after we broke up. in the bathroom of my place. I. anyway.