::sigh:: in meh...

I don’t know how I feel.
I’m sorry if it seems as if I don’t care enough about a lot of things. That is a defense mechanism. I need that to keep from taking on the worlds problems and feeling each and everyone of them. But I’m a feeler. Right now I’m a mixed bag of emotions.

My daughter got an apartment. Yay for her. Her father was being a hater. Instead of being proud of his daughter he’s jealous. So she had deadlines to meet in order to get the place like be there at a certain time to sign the lease and all the extra that comes with it, but he was doing something else KNOWING that she needed him. He is an asshat. It’s not her fault that whenever he needs to live somewhere it’s with a woman. His mother included. On the other side of this is once again, I have to let her know that I cannot take care of two households. While she fussed about him, she also threw in that she didn’t have food in the house all damn ready. I didn’t really expect her to, but I also didn’t expect her to start begging right out of the gate. There will be no money plunked down for rent, I will not put myself out just to help her out. She still has to do some leg work on this thing called life.

The allowance of gays to marry each other. That is a touchy subject. There is a meme out there that says “My Facebook newsfeed looks like a battle between confederates and skittles.” Or something like that. I have friends that are gay. I have family members that are gay. They will still have prejudice to deal with. They will still have “what thus saith the Lord” to deal with. I was on a bus picking up my grandson, heading home actually, and we had to detour because of PrideFest. On the detour in the middle of Tucker across from where the festival was, there were people with signs “Hell is a horrible place.” I didn’t see any “Jesus loves you” signs. Just negative wording. It made me sad. I had a friend once who said she believed that men are born gay and for women it’s more of a choice than something born with. I relayed a story about a younger cousin of mine who came out and how I saw very feminine traits in him as a child and as he was growing up. Despite having girlfriends, I bet they were like his best friends as opposed to anything else. He knows a few of my friends. I’m not here to condemn anyone. I try to love. Yes men & women are naturally made to be together to create little people to keep the world turning. So that automatically gives us the right to condemn and treat bad those who are not in the realm of what is supposed to be. Wrong answer. I feel sorry for gay people because they are met with so much hostility. It really makes me sad. But I’m not right because I’m not angry about them.

The confederate flag thing. ::smh:: This flag is part of history. It’s not a symbol for being a redneck. It’s not symbol for just being a good ol’ boy. Leave it with the Dukes of Hazzard, but tuck it away somewhere. It is a symbol of how the south wanted to say, “Eff what everyone else says. We want to treat our negroes the way we want to. They aren’t human.” That’s what it boils down to. Seriously. Hang it in a museum. But again, I’m a coon if I’m not angry about it.

A friend and I kind of had a discussion. She said something to the effect that men or women on the downlow will now be able to let their “freak flag” fly. I said I doubt it. Because there is still a stigma attached, there is still hostility and a prejudice that goes along with being gay in the world and not just America. Then I’ve heard/read several times “They’re just trading one flag for another.” Again, the flags mean two differrent things. Maybe it’s me being naive. Not naive, just hopeful for peace and the death of fear and hatred. Fear things that need to be feared.

This same friend took me to dinner Friday for my birthday. I kind of wasn’t feeling it. She seemed irritated. I wanted bbq. There was a place I wanted to try but we didn’t have to go there, but we went there. When a seat became available, it was near the kitchen and a tight fit. She was mad. Not over the top, but you can tell. But it’s a tight place. So we waited a little longer and got a different table same area, not so close to the kitchen. I was more concerned because I’m fat. I don’t want to be in the way. She just seemed really bitchy and I didn’t feel like being around that because I was worried about how things had turned out for Teacher friend. She kind of softened a bit after I shed tears about his outcome. I sang “Somewhere Only We Know” and she said was that for him? The way I sang it, probably so. It’s only 120 days right?

This is what I mean:

My friend has to go to the penitentiary for 120 days. He had to admit to 10 charges that he didn’t commit. He has to take sex offender classes after which he would be released with 5 years probation. If he slips up, then he has to serve 8 years. THIS is the plea deal. There must have been a hung jury. This case was built on lies to begin with. The other choice was to have a new trial and should he be convicted he would have gotten 48 years. I thought this was open and shut. He is gay, he was lied on. What they say went down is not in his character. I’ve been unwilling to really talk about it because some would say that’s his price to pay for being gay. I don’t believe that is a fair statement. I was at karaoke when I got a bit of a hint that things didn’t go his way. I’d been trolling Facebook to see updates. I never got a call from the attorney. My heart sunk. Then a girl that went to school with my daughter told me what happened. I tear up every time I think about it. As dedicated as he is to his students… this is a tragedy. His life as a teacher is over. He had spent a year in jail before making bail. He’d been out and piecing a little bit of his life back together. New relationship, living with his other, job paying decent money and now it’s all jacked up for 120 penitentiary days and a fuckin lie. My heart does hurt over this.

My week last week… the perfect ender to a week of weird, crazy bullshit…

But I’m alive right?

Kindest regards from a weird space,
Sister