i need to put this somewhere. rage due to clothes in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

from june 18th:

‘so last night right before I was going to take my shower the lady I lvied w/ [Steph] told me she needs to see the clothes i’m going to change into. [there’s a lot more to my current living situation which I might or might not have blogged about in here]. well she did. so long story short I brought them into the bathroom w/ me and changed in there after my shower. which I’ve never done. bc. it reminded me of what happened at my last house. [the lady at my last house wanted me to do the same thing, so. I might have blogged about that idk]. I don’t want steph to know this cause then she’d be only be more emotionally involed. [yeah. I have issues w/ her. but this entry isn’t what that’s about and also if it was. or if any entry was then i’d just be b*cing and circle talking, so]. and I don’t want her to be that way and I don’t want her to make exceptions for me cause that makes me feel singled out and I don’t like that. so.
it was. changing my clothes in the bathroom was. v. upsetting for me. I had a panic attack. maybe steph won’t like this [which due to my issues w/ her i’m not big on resolving, honestly. ok moving on] but. about 3 hrs. after that I changed into different pants [my pajama pants. er my other ones. they’re clean btw. and also that way i’m meeting her halfway]. and then I felt better. when I was wearing the clothes i’d changed into I just felt. well not only panicky but also just. suddenly full of rage. it’s been awhile since I’ve felt that way. and a part of me was like ok this isn’t working for me. and the minute I put them on the lady from my last house entered my mind. and then her words. not about that about something else.
I think I did what was right for me. well in one way it was right. I don’t want to regret not living my life for me and ididn’t then. and I still don’t regarding this. i’m v. good at avoiding things [until i’m ready to talk/blog about them which can take. a long time] but that’s not always a bad thing. yes I think people should work through their issues and analyse and all that. but ya know. really some things are better left undone. un. said.
steph told me prior to what happened and i’m thinking ‘ok so i’m going to trigger myself for you. ok that’s fine’. I realize although no one wants to hear it I certainly don’t that we choose how we feel [again not bad] but I also know that we don’t just wake up and we’re like ‘ok so today i’m going to be angry for no apparent reason’. or sad. or w/e. no things contribute to that. happy too btw.
oh. yeah so cause I was so angry icalled my new mentor. I was just. really emotional and wanted to talk to someone i’m ok w/. although I haven’t known him for long he’s sweet. and he loves music. [wow a lot’s happened]. he didn’t answer but I figured. this is a lot better than other things I could be doing SI included.
just. idinno. opinions, maybe? I want backing up on knowing I did the right thing for me. [if those reading think I did].
thank you.’