from 2:40 - 3:20 a.m.: 'hitting the open road. maybe. i don't know' in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

‘I really want to leave right now. my house. where no i’m not being abused. it’s 2:40 in the morning. I mean I. I could no one’s stopping me. I know where i’d go too.

they. the people in my life. say apparently if I don’t do what i’m told i’m going to end up w/ no place to live. I’ve never been in that situation but have always wondered about it. I mean for like. a day or so. and it’ll be my own damn fault. yeah the gov’t [i’m on SSI and i’m living in a host home. I um. it wasn’t my choice to live at the house but it was my choice to be in services. I was under the impression that it was my choice to get out of services too. I don’t really know. how to explain what I mean by services. but i’m in a program. and basically. there’s a lady Jennifer who’s stephanie’s boss. Stephanie’s actual job is to have me live in her house and help me w/ certain things in certain ways. like she doesn’t have another job. yeah was weird to me at first too. like what do these people do? oh that is what they do. if that halpes explain it. and Jennifer’s the go between person between steph and the state] but no. apparently it’s not my choice to come out of services. another thing that isn’t. they’re already telling me about the me not having a place to live part. i’m just saving them the time by leaving.
maybe it won’t be so bad. I mean i’m able to walk for quite some time. I don’t like it but I can do it. I like the outdoors. it’s been nice out.

I just fb-ed my friend Mark and told him that if I end up leaving where i’m going. just so someone would know.
earlier I texted my new mentor and told him I wanted to leave. and that if he calls me before Mon. it’s ok but i’d rather talk on Mon. so we have more privacy.

I feel like. i’m the only one expected to change my er. in my situation. ok so. i’m rather embarrassed about this which is why I’ve never fully explained it [although if I explain it it might help people reading this understand more/better]. but basically. in order to ‘graduate’ from my program the person in it [and there are a lot] has to do certain things. and comply. i’m sorry I was red. I wasn’t compliant before that and i’m sure as fk not now.
see I don’t separate things. no it didn’t happen since I was 25 [i’m27 now my bday’s in aug.] but what’s happening now reminds me of that. i’m still angry about it. [well yeah]. I think I should tell as I call her my ‘emotions dr’ but I don’t know how much detail she’ll want/need. I kow that even if someone’s over 18 there are certain things people will report. the people reading this might not how much detail she’ll need.

so as I’ve mentioned. there are certain things. steph does that prevent me [well rather certain things she says] from doing certain other things. and so they’re keeping me stuck. which I realie i’m choosingto do. and I have to do things. in order to move forward. and it’s a bit unfair that i’m the only one living in the house who’s like that. I mean there are probably things jenn and kris are working on. in order to move their lives forward. idon’t know what they are. no I meant the ‘graduating’ thing. er.........like. it’s a different dynamic I guess is what i’m getting at. if that makes any sense.

this is one of the thigs i’m going to talk to my mentor about. I don’t want steph to be who she is. and a part of me’s like well ok. if that helps me move forward her not saying certain things. then so be it. I know the potential problem there. but i’m not like. emotionally attached to that.
but the other part of me is like. yeah but that’s me controlling her. and in thatway i’m no better than them. the people who........did.........stuff to me. ‘that’. I see her as someone who’s also living in the house and makes me food. which well she is. and gives me money. that’s the only relationship I want w/ her right now. just sortof. coexisting. idk how realistic it is but I want it.

so although I really don’t want to. i’ll go on about some of the things going on as of late. healthwise i’m, better. about half of my vitamins are good. I talked about the depression thing in my recent entries.
ok so the most recet news is my mom implied she didn’t care what I did w/ my life. which is just really I mean wow. maybe it’s not her responsibility to decide where I live anymore and actually it might not be. but I still feel like she should care. I was in this place back when I was like 17. and 4 summers [it will be in aug.] in response to that I. went downtown. and as I call it ‘wh*red myself’ or something akin tothat. i’m not proud of it which is why I don’t ever talk about it. she doesn’t know. I think when it happened I posted about on this site actually.
and now I feel like doing that again. just taking off. a: to save them a step like I talked about above and 2: bc my mom said that. I haven’t taken off in.............over a yr. which is really good. for me that’s one of the most imperitive things. and other than my friend Mark no one else knew where I was. I was fine. sure I got drunk [at my place btw. not. not outside] but I wasn’t like. disorderly or anything. no I read actually. in the closet. and it was good. until it wasn’t. I don’t think i’m ready to detail that.
but anyway. after that incident. I told my then-now-former mentor Jessica that if I ever felt like doing that again i’d tell her. and I’ve done that once w/ alexis my mentor after her. and now clint my new mentor. sure they might be asleep/their phone might’ve died what have you. but the point is. I’ve told them. and that is my biggest goal above all else.
once when I was angry w/ Jessica I didn’t feel like keeping that. I don’t feel like leaving a lot not in the taking off sense. [btw still haven’t left my house at 3:15 a.m.]. I always end up breaking promises which is why I never make them. but this one. yeah. which is how this all relates to right now. 3:20 a.m.
and then I did the other thing I do when i’m put out/upset/at odds/w/e. I came here and I blogged.
if I knew. people would just let me take off. so long as they knew wherei was at. and be ok w/ it [which is why I told Mark. he’s pretty.... like he’ll be there to talk to but he won’t get involved] I would take off.

oh and as I might’ve mentioned my stepgrandmother passed last month. I’ve been avoiding thinking about it. as I do. but it’s connected to this feeling. ‘