Silicon Avatar in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I know I’ve been missing quite a bit this summer, but the head makes me listless and I can’t ever get my head together to write something appropriate.

But that’s not all. An awful situation arose that I’ve been forced to deal with. In some ways, I knew it was bound to happen because everything was going too peacefully. If time has taught me anything it’s that the ebbs and flows of life are far more reliable than any other force. Good and bad are twin forces that don’t necessarily oppose each other; they complement one another.

I’m not going to write about the trouble I’ve gotten into because I can’t legally go into it (yes, the law is involved, ick), however, I can say that I’ve noticed how bare bones I’ve become in this kind of situation. Apparently, I’ve fooled everyone online. I’ve run into friends who believe, via Facebook, that I’m having a wild summer full of traveling and good times. In reality, I’ve barely left home over the last two months unless it was for court or work.

That ability to lie over social media has me wondering exactly how secure online selves are. In communications, there are entire theories dedicated to explaining the communication aspects of the online avatars we have for ourselves online. Another author on here even expressed discomfort at approaching an online person in real life (via Grindr) due to a perceived lack of security in who they are in real life. He got some good advice, but I wondered something else as I read others’ words.

I’m not sure I even know people in real life that well. People certainly don’t know me that well, and even people who knew me before this period of my life don’t have any clue what I’m actually like now. I’m like a paranoid hermit who refuses to leave his sanctuary. I mean, I reluctantly go to family events and occasions, but I’ve even begun to feel out of place at those things.

On the fourth of July, I went to four different parties, and the ones at which I felt the most out of the place were the ones with family members, because at the other parties, at least I felt justified in feeling like a stranger because I was to more than half those people.

My eighth grade paranoia about being liked has returned and I no longer really have any confidence in myself at all. I really have been hating the way I look, I have been paranoid about what I eat, having my hair short again means that I’m constantly flinching whenever I look in the mirror. Since I don’t sing anymore, the sound of my voice has become really irritating. I prefer to remain mostly silent now when I’m in groups. There are no jokes that come anymore.

Mind you, nearly all of this is going on in my head and my personal interactions are just as deceptive as a Facebook page or Grindr profile.

I went out with a few co-workers after work the other night, and while we were at the bar where I used to spend four nights a week just five years ago, I noticed someone I used to know. He was one of the straight guys with whom I used to hook up. I was nervous because I never really know how they are going to approach me, whether they are going to ignore me or react violently. Instead, he ran right over to me and gave me a big hug and asked how I was doing.

After 10 minutes, he asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn’t know what he meant, and he simply responded, “I know what you look like without all your armor on, what’s going on?” It almost made me cry.

But I didn’t tell him, just like I really haven’t told anyone. I’m not a gossip, most especially when it’s about myself.