Life. My life. in Since OD is shutting down....

It just doesn’t get easier. Today was a pretty good day though. I got time with my Dad and little brother and it was very nice. I spent a good part of the with them at their house and then I came home, showered, and took a much needed nap. I really need to make them more of a priority and would like them in my life more. My family is really important to me and I need to spend as much time with them as possible because time isn’t stopping or slowing down. My Mom is with my Grampa in Iowa for my Uncle’s funeral that will be on Tuesday and I switched vehicles with her because mine has better tires.

So, I made yet another mistake. I stupidly posted another ad on CL. Well, that guy Brian from like 5 months ago responded. I didn’t realize it was him until after I gave him my phone number. I saw his name in his email and decided to creep him on Facebook and then it all came rushing back. He was very sweet telling me that he missed me and was sorry for ever causing me pain. He understood when I told him I just had to walk away to avoid getting hurt. I was so excited when I found out it was him and he was being just as sweet as he was then. Well we texted this morning and then I didn’t hear from him again until tonight when I finally text him first and he said that he slept all day. I told him I wanted to see him but he said he had his kids and I instantly felt like that was shady because we’ve hung out before with his kids around and then I asked him to call me and he blew me off.

Apparently, he works at the place right next to my work. Um, ok. Not sure how I feel about that but he asked me to come visit him tomorrow night which I don’t see myself doing because I don’t want to be that close to my job and I plan to become really distant due to him being shady tonight. I think I’m going to start responding to his text after a ridiculously long time and come up with one excuse after another to not see him. I have to make sure I’m not going to get hurt because after last time, I did hurt. Not for long or anything but I just don’t trust whatever he says about his relationship with his kids’ Mom and wonder what’s really going on.

I just don’t know why I can’t find a nice, decent guy that would want me and only me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m just always going to be a fucking side chick. That’s why I don’t take any guy seriously and check out at the first sign of bullshit. I just don’t know what to make of this guy but it’s hard for me to forget about how good he was to me when we first met and I’d love to touch that part of my life again but honestly, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him.

Ugh, anyways. It’s been a week of hell at my work and I have put in an application online for a clothing store here. I just don’t know how much more I’m going to be able to tolerate there. A couple of days ago it was 100 in there ALL FUCKING DAY and we were all just soaked with sweat. I was half sick by the time I left. I just don’t know how they think this shit is okay but it’s not. I understand I work in a restaurant but damn, I’m going to die in that place. I’m overweight and have never been able to tolerate the heat. I’m also sick of never getting off work when I’m scheduled to and it doesn’t matter if I have plans or not. I’m sick of my job being top priority in my life when it doesn’t even pay me close to what I need to survive. Right now I’m trying to figure out how to pay my health insurance, gas and groceries. I’m going to call tomorrow and see if they can wait a few days to debit my account for my insurance and then I can afford gas and groceries. If not, I’m going to have to use my damn credit card to pay the insurance which pisses me off because I have finally stopped using it and I feel like I’m never going to get it paid down because I’m always coming up short!

My parents are in a really bad financial situation and it makes me really sad. I know most of the time I just don’t care because when I care, it just stresses me out and makes me angry that they keep finding themselves in this position! My Mom’s about to lose her car because she’s several months behind in car payments which is bullshit because she’s had the money to pay it but her money always goes to other things. It’s just really frustrating and it makes my heart hurt. I just don’t see them ever getting out of this because my Mom or Dad can’t keep a job and now they don’t even get income tax anymore. I just don’t even know what to say about this. It just hurts my heart and there’s nothing I can do or I’d probably help them.

This Brian thing is really getting to me. I’m annoyed that he was in the back of my mind all day while I was trying to hang out with my Dad and I was just so upset that he wasn’t texting me and I probably wouldn’t even have heard back from him tonight if I wouldn’t have taken the initiative to text him first. I feel like he tells me that he has these feelings for me but doesn’t really make much effort. I just wish I knew what to do or think. If only I had a crystal ball.

Anyways, I’m gonna go to bed.