um. well that was. weird./to make you feel my love in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

and on that note the ghost one. I talked to her yesterday. kar- my friend who’d passed almost 10 yrs. ago this coming oct. so yeah yesterday. I went outside a bank by the mall and talked to her. my visit to the bank was overdue er I mean the bank. building. I like it there it’s quiet. and I. I told her that i’m sorry she was in so much pain and that she did the bravest thing she could’ve although I don’t agree w/ her choice. and she was pretty I remember that about her. and that i’d been making it about me not her and i’m still angry w/ her. and I did the best thing I could’ve done. and maybe she can help me now.
it felt. idinno it felt weird. I haven’t completely let her go but I’ve. I’ve distanced herself from her by doing that. and now there’s this big space there. and that scares me. it’s not often that I experience this kindof emptiness. I don’t like this feeling. see this is why ihold on to things. sure it’s not............it’s not good for me but it serves a purpose. keeping me away from experiencing the fear. keeping me from experiencing the other side. it’s like. you’re walking in a city and you’re suddenly in this vast. like countryside. which you’ve avoided for so long bc you don’t like having that much space. which is funny bc on a literal level I like. I like the bigness of things. peonies [I also like curves]...............space in a city. big kitchens.
so idinno. a song that reminded me of kar-her. was make you feel my love by bob Dylan. it’s a lovely song. well I liked that song before I found out about. her. and that’s one of the feelings I have about her situation. like I would’ve been there. cause it didn’t seem anyone else was. it seems like they all ignored her. when she tried to tell them. ya know it’s like. I wouold’ve done anyghin...........knowing what iknow now if that were realistically possible. if I could bring her back. just so I wouldn’t be sad. people who have depression. as she did. they need love. they need to hear/read/know someone cares it’s not enough to just kknow it. for me it’s not anyway. nothing I wouldn’t do. to make you feel my love.
and I still feel that way. it’s just not as. dark. and I’ve gone through some pretty dark times one of my darkest being a little over 2 yrs. ago it’s like. i’m in the fall of this now. I was in the winter of it once and a part of me feels like I need to experience that winter as it were again. I need to just. listen to music and cry and drink. and get obliterated as all hell. in order to. have done that. and that hasn’t happened in awhile. when I don’t eat it does. not the music part but the crying part.
um but anyway. it was weird and I don’t think I like this feeling.