i. this..........this is. really weird. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

I don’t. I don’t know who I am anymore. no it’s not that it’s. I don’t. connect to who I am or who everybody thinks I am. at these hrs. 11 p.m., midnight..............not. not nightly just. well tonight it happened. people can tell me who I am. bbut it doesn’t mean much. I can look around the room and know that certain objects belong to certain people but they might as well belong to someone in china. they might as well be random objects belonging to random people.
I have pretty bad depression and that might be part of it but i’m also a little fuked up right now. either way it’s. really terrifying. and a part of me doesn’t want people to know bc. i’m afraid of what they’ll think and. I don’t know how they’ll react.
people might know others, like this. and it’s more terrifying when you’re the one it happens to.
it’s the opposite of that song in Jekyll & hyde ‘no one knows who I am’. no everybody does. maybe not all of me but. some version of who they think I am. I try to find some way out. cause not relating at all scares the hell out of me. you’re the only prson on earth and you have no one around you have. er. you have no connections and no one to relate to. well that kindof isolative aloneness is well, scary. and there might be someone. on the other side of the world that you would. know about. you both........you both coexist but as different people. and so you. well I ok so I. try to find a way to connect to them. even if they’re not happy w/ that. I don’t want them to be cause if they are. [ok so i’m talking about steph and I here]. then I don’t relate. but maybe cause that’s cause I don’t try. or maybe I just don’t fully relate.
yeah. i’m afraidof being that alone and I’ve gone over why. if I stopped being. manipulative and controlling. and all my other nonfavorable qualities. i’d lose all that. i’d lost that sense of. relating or something I don’t know.
it’s like that john mellencamp song. what if this is a lie [well.............a dishonesty in my book] we have to rise above. cause right now...........durng those hs. I don’t feel like i’m living my life. i’m so...........everything is so foreign right now. it’s. so weird. Michael buble, ‘home’. ‘........and I feellike i’m living someone else’s life’.