I Thought About... in meh...

…my kids father this morning.
He was always a dick, but he had his moments. He was and still is selfish, extremely self centered, but again he had his moments when he acted like he cared. I’m a Cancer by zodiac. We need certain assurances sometimes (and by sometimes I mean always). However, when we know in our bones we are loved thoroughly we won’t constantly ask, “How do you feel about me?” and all that crap.

I thought about how he washed my hair one time. I was at his house and I needed to do this and he came to the bathroom with me and washed my hair in the sink. He didn’t have to and I didn’t ask him, but he did it. It was nice. He would give me the occasional gas station rose and give to me. This was all pre-children though.

Then just the total opposite, I thought about when we reconciled for 3 months. He had been out of jail (for things occuring when we weren’t together) he secured a car and employment. I didn’t have a car at this time and to me, if we were getting our family together then let’s act like it. The kids were in school down the street from where I worked and they were in after care since I get off work at 5p. So he got a car and I knew when he would get off work. Did he say, “I will start picking you guys up and get you home, we spend time together, then I go home (he was living with his mother)? Nah. I was still with the kids and he still had his life.

One particular day, I wasn’t feeling well. I was feverish, nose clogged, it was not pretty. I called and asked if he could pick the kids up from school. I was met by a bunch of bullshit. Then I said fuck it. I missed my ride to travel the length of my job, so I had to walk quickly down the street so that I would be late picking them up. I get there and signed them out. As I was gathering them to get the bus to go home, he walks in. So the ride home I didn’t say anything, he didn’t ask what was wrong. I got in the house and started moving like lightening around the house to get the kids settled in with homework and then put some chicken strips and fries in the oven so they could have dinner so that I could sleep. He was watching me and telling me to chill out and slow down. Then I yelled at him that “my job doesn’t stop just because I’m at home. I’m a parent, I don’t feel good, and I take care of them before I take care of me. Dinner has to get made. You’re not going to do it.” He just looked at me and then hung out with the kids a little bit and then he left. No bye, no feel better, no “Do you need anything?” Asshole.

And there were more of those inconsiderate times than there were considerate. He thought for every problem, all he needed to do was pull out his penis, and all would be well. ::hits buzzer:: That answer would be WRONG, Monty. Once upon a time I would have been that way, but he was selfish in sex too. “Well, I got mine!” was the answer to when I asked him, “What if I told you I never “got mine” and was not satisfied with you sexually?” I thought it was a joke at first, but when I kept pressing the issue and STILL not getting the answer of “I’d try to make it happen for you, or die trying,” but instead got PISSED that I was still talking about it, I realized he was serious. Asshole…

So now days, when he drops off the grandkid or pops in to see our son, I give them room. He doesn’t even have to talk to me for real, but he tries to. I’m cordial to say the least. I crack jokes on him but I keep it down to a minimum. I dislike it when he comes over and tries to run stuff. I remember my apartment before where I am now, he came over one day and was at my door singing “Daddy’s home. Your daddy’s home.” I told him my daddy lives on the south side of town. You are NOT him. Yuck…“

He’s not a bad looking chap even balding, but to think of ever being intimate with him now after all the years, bad blood and harsh feelings, it actually grosses me out. LOL

So there is NO more going back to that. lol
Thought I’d erase my head of the foolishness that is my ex.
Now, on to my cds. Happy Monday.

Respectfully yours,
Sister