Pure hatred. in Adventures in paradise

I received an out-of-the-blue Facebook message from my cousin, Tammy.

They say cousins are the first friends a lot of us have, and, for me, that was the case with Tammy. She was always not far away, always sarcastically funny and just damn good fun.

Of course, into adulthood we both went on separate paths. She went down the traditional straight route of marriage and kids and all that happy jazz and I’m not even entirely sure where she lives these days. Last I heard, she’d moved into a cheap granny flat around the corner from where I used to live in Kedron, but even that was forever ago now, at least 9 years.

So I got this message…
(I just had to copy and paste since I’m not on a computer atm).

”Matt, I know it’s been years since we’ve talked, but we used to be close: cards and icecream and bwitched and all that. I just wanted to say that your dad is acting like an arse. I can’t believe that he’d rather alienate one of his own children rather than trying to understand something that scares him. I’m sorry that he has failed you as a dad. I’m with you. The god I know made you gay, and loves you for it and wants your life to be full and blessed.”

So that was kind. It made me smile. It also made me wonder, “Why now?”. It’s been months since my final straw with my dad. All I can think of that makes sense is he must’ve pulled another bible out of his arse and offended everyone with his views again.
I didn’t bother looking. I couldn’t even give a shit. I could be jumping to conclusions anyway. Maybe she just decided to let me know she has formed her own view. It’s nice to see.
At the end of the day, I can only ever be me.

My mind went wondering at work today (as it often does). I daydreamed that my dad chose to voice his anti-gay opinion at my brother’s wedding this August. I also daydreamed that I retaliated and screamed at him how much of an asshole I truly think he is.
I quickly realised I was making myself angry in my thoughts and continued working. I mean I was still working, but I guess on a Sunday it’s a bit more relaxed and my mind can wander.

But it won’t be a daydream for long. My brother’s wedding is in August. I finally have my suit and shirt and shoes organised. I’m gonna rock that shit on the day, that’s for sure.

The reception is what I’m not looking forward to. One would assume family will be seated together. Which means my dad will be too close for comfort.

I truly despise him, guys.
I’ve had a lot of advice over the years from some of you to just agree to disagree, and get along.
I’ve tried that. I’ve attended events. I even went out for Christmas last year.
Then some of you said that he won’t be around forever. He’ll die one day.
And, sure, I hired a car a few times, went out there, hung out with him, even had conversations with him.

But never about “It.”. Never about me being gay. That’s taboo. Those types don’t exist.

And I realised. I realised that when I thought about my dad dying (of old age, of anything) I felt very little…
I found myself wondering if I’d even attend the funeral…

When someone wrongs me, and I mean really wrongs me, I tend to hold this pure silent hatred toward them. I can only think of a select few throughout my life that I’d love to watch fall off a cliff onto jagged rocks and then have a 7-foot shark leap up and consume the remains and shit them out again (see what I mean?) :)

I just always see the good in people and when someone fucks me over, I cut them off. My father is simply one of those people.
I’ve told mum that I will behave at my brother’s wedding, but I’m still intending to not say a word to my dad. I’m so fucking sick of faking pleasantries around him. Ive taken a stand for my own sanity, and he can get fucked sideways if he doesn’t like my life.

I really want to avoid being in wedding photos with my dad. I’m not sure how I’m meant to go about that happening without affecting my brother’s special day.

Or rather, his wife’s special day.

Last updated June 07, 2015