Goal in Random Thoughts

I forgot to write my goal from counseling. I also want to update when I am approached this goal.

My job is to recognize when I get that anxiety feeling in relation to communication. When I am requesting, expressing, opining, etc and I would normally just keep it in because of the anxiety, I need to note that. I also need to try and do something about it if there is the chance, but that is not part of the goal.

But, to celebrate, I did something that was beyond my comfort level and communicated. So, I am going to include that experience here, as well as update when I do recognize the anxiety.

I have a 1 on 1 assistant in my classroom who works with a student with autism. The assistant is a know it all and overbearing. She is aware she is a know it all (she is also very helpful and reliable). I texted her,

“Did student have homework today?” I asked

“I already told you no. Does mom still really need email updates?” Was her response. This woman is of the opinion that I should stop updating mom, but I make the decisions in this situation since I am the classroom teacher.

Of course, I put meaning to things, felt her annoyance (an assumption there) and my first reaction was anxiety. I almost just lied to her and said “no, I just forgot and wanted to know,” but I decided to just be to the point and truthful.

“I forgot. And she does (want updates about homework). And I am going to satisfy her need so I feel less stress.”

I am proud of myself.

Edit:

And now, to explain my thinking when it comes to be interpreting situations in which there is absolutely no reason for me to interpret (and as a result of the said interpretation, i get anxiety). I text Dios about what food i should bring this weekend, thinking i can bring that chips and salsa my best friend did not even open. He says to bring whatever i want, so i mention the chips/salsa. He reiterates that whatever is fine, but he has chips and salsa. Here is my distorted thinking:

• maybe i am bothering him
• what if it is an inconvenience that i am bringing something?
• what if (gasp) we do not eat it and the strange and uncomfortable result that it sits in my bag or his fridge (sheesh, Carmen…)

What if i am wrong, what if what i have to say/think/do is contradictory? What. Effing. If.

Jeez.

Edit, Part 2:

This weekend i told Dios my thinking when it comes to anxiety and communication, as well as where it most likely comes from. I really appreciate his working with me to get through this, and i am especially fond of his understanding of me.

In one area we have been working is communication during and regarding sex. We text a lot, since there is a 120 mile difference, and yesterday i hit a point where i felt all the anxiety welling up, but i “conquered” it… well, at least i communicated and then let him know i was feeling anxiety regarding what we were talking about (i kept feeling that i was “doing something wrong” when logically i knew i wasn’t).

It started with a statement that he made that i did not quite understand. It always makes me feel anxiety and discomfort when i don’t find a clear meaning. I am so afraid that my interpretation is going to be wrong (have faith in yourself, girl!). When i look back, i still think the statement is a little vague.

“I have by no means yet to come to know the boundaries of your enjoyment.”

Now, i thought that meant that there was still a lot left for us to explore (sexually), but i felt self doubt and questioning. So i said “i dont think i know what you mean by that.” I was proud of myself for admitting that i did not know.

“I know you enjoy it. But I do not know how much.”

But, this response still left me worried, feeling that i was doing something wrong, when i was not. He was not trying to make me feel this way, it is just the interpretation i put onto what he was saying. And, it turns out that i was right, it really was:

“We will find by exploration.”

I think i just need to persevere through these times that i am interpreting and worrying, and just get down to the actual meaning.

Edit, part 3:

I am mortified at the thought of saying or doing something wrong. That is one reason why I fear having my voice heard. It’s not just a fear. It’s this built up anxiety, this mortification. Logically I know that it is not big deal, but but the heart pounding, blood rushing fear is overwhelming. Why am I so afraid of doing something wrong, of misunderstanding someone, having myself misunderstood???

I have a whole exchange between Dios and I as an example, but I don’t really want to relate the whole thing, partly because it would be tedious and partly because it is a little too intimately revealing.

Last updated June 13, 2015