i could sign my life away in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

er well not my life. I mean i’d still physically be here.

I’ve always had that option ever since I came into services. do I want to be in services? well yes and no. i’m not willing to work w/ certain people. so no in that regard. I don’t like following rules. but I want to be here to be somewhere I live that I like. where i’m not afraid of my dad bc he isn’t here. I like getting money. I like having EBT. it’s like. i’m not here for what all the services provde just for the helluva it. it’s just a placeholder. i’m just visiting. [in which case this has been a helluva long visit]. I don’t want to have to work to get somewhere. I just want it handed to me like it was before. I had money I had liquor [too much actually to be completely honest] I had my own place where no one lived but me. it was great. I had a great time. well. ok so not really but I had freedom. I didn’t have to answer to anyone. yeah who wouldn’t want that. but maybe that’s why I ‘have’ to work now. bc it was all handed to me before. if only everyone was this lucky. I don’t completely relate to that bc I’ve never had it any other way but I know it’s true.
but. I don’t think it’s my choice anymore whether or not I live here that’s what they’re making it seem like. and once again they’re talking about me. around me. not to me. this was one of the things alexis I talked about and then she stopped being my mentor, so. it was my choice to come into this. and it should be my choice to come out. honestly I’ve been scared ever since Pat died. that others would leave. and then they did. [and maybe that’s why. is the universe knew that and it’s like ‘ok well since she put that out there we’re going to make it happen’. it’s called the power of attraction or something. no the law/s of attraction. not everyone believes that and that’s fine but i do]. and then when I was living w/ that other lady I’ve been scared since then someone else was going to hurt me was going to I guess looking back on it now it’s just now occurring to me. to use fear against me. and here we are. and it’s already happened 3 times.
ya know but in a way. not that I detail it. at all really. the end of me living at my place was me signing my life away. and I always knew that was a possibility I just ignored it cause of how anxious it made me.
my mom says i’ll always have a place to live. yeah well that also means long as i’m living w/ people i’ll always someone to answer to. i’ll always have to follow rules. yeah I get that. so. since I don’t want that. I.............I have er. I know of someone i’ll stay w/. i haven’t like. you know asked them but they’ve offered before so presumably. but only ‘presumably’. it’s not a practical idea at all. if everyone else decides to drop me and cut me off. and not talk to me. I don’t know that they will but I sure as hell am not going to think they won’t. I know Denver fairly well lived here most of my life. so it’s not like. if I decided to. not have a residence I won’t know the city. being out in the warm months doesn’t bother me. being out in the winter would. I like the outside. i like trees.........nature. I have resources. I’ve looked online for...........places.
but there’s a part of me that idinno. has always wondered what that would be like. to not have anywhere to live just roaming nomadically not having to follow anyone’s rules but your own. there I said it.
and yet even though I have resources. and maybe could get by. [well fuk i’m used to that. I know how to get by idk how well i’d fare. the question isn’t whether or not I could. never has been since we all know I can. it’s how well]. i’m still really fuking terrified.
ya know.........one of the things I’ve heard people regret when they’re close to the end is they didn’t live their life for them. and I did. for 4 yrs. and in some ways I still am. yeah it’ll be my own damn fault [though maybe not my decision] if I end up out there w/o a place to live. shit I just looked at that sentence and it’s like. did I really type that? that doesn’t seem real. others might’ve contributed [er maybe not] but it’s my own damn fault. but yeah. in the words of frank Sinatra I did it my way. I might regret the decision that I didn’t try more if it does end up happening. [which frankly disappoints the hell out of me. it doesn’t have that much of a factor for me if i disappoint others. anyway moving on]. but I don’t want to regret not having live my life for me. you only get one. a lot of people are lucky enough to get a second chance. I was one of them and I still don’t fully appreciate it much less anything else.
I remember like fuk 10 yrs. ago. I didn’t know where i’d end up. I was still living at my mom’s at the time. she got angry about. something and I thought she’d. kick me out [never done that btw] and so I collected a few of what were at the time my most prized belongings. nothing came of it but I didn’t know that for sure then. I just knew I was scared and should be prepared. in my current situation maybe their bark is worse than their bite. and in fact. maybe there isn’t a bite. as it were. but g*damn that’s a helluva bark. the bark still matters.
i don’t know that i’ve ever told anyone that story the one mentioned above. about 10 yrs. ago.
until Mon. i’m still living at my place. er i mean my house. er i mean at stephanie’s. maybe nothing will come of this. or maybe it will I don’t know for sure either way.
I don’t want advice, or anything. I just. these are just thoughts. if anyone relates then please go ahead and share. a few ‘good lucks’ would be great. [oh now people might feel like they ‘have’ to say that. no i’m just. letting everyone reading know what’d help]. and, idinno. it’s the waiting I don’t like [never do]. if I knew it wouldn’t be better it would just be different. I’ve done all I can do at this point. [oh and I put ‘until mon. cause that’s when the next meeting is].