15-05.30.104 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

I have officially become nocturnal. I’ve decided not to post an entry until I’ve become all caught up. So… since I’m not sleeping at night, that is what I’ve been doing. Playing catch up.

Nothing much has changed ‘round here. A new job posted out in Luisa County. It is located in the far south east section of the state of Iowa. The county is about 11k people… the county seat is just a little more than 5k people… my hometown is 57k. All of that can be dealt with. I’m worried about the fact that the job would only be half time; 25k a year and no insurance. THAT causes concern. But I’m still going to apply. I haven’t any choice.

Which all adds in to some concerns and other stuff. Like… my wife and I have issues; we want to move back to Iowa and be close (preferably) to Des Moines; we want to have enough money to live/survive/thrive… and my wife is turning 35 in June. We’ve discussed it and she is interested in having a kid some day. And 35 is a magic age in pregnancy… Doctors recommend couples where the woman is younger than 35 try for a year before seeking infertility treatment; at 35 they drop that number to 6 months… and many doctors may refuse infertility treatments after age 40. I mean… I know I just turned 31 but… it is important to keep her concerns in mind.

But, of course, the ever growing pressure and freaking out. Which is obviously why I can’t get any sleep at all. I want/need everything that I expected… y’know? I mean… I decided to give up the pursuit of professional acting when I was 20 because I realized what I really wanted was a family, a house, and a stable life… but here I am at 31 and I don’t even have a full time job. It is very frustrating. I mean, you add the whole feeling I’ve had recently of every decision I’ve made being wrong to the whole failing at adulthood and… it isn’t a fun position, I’ll tell you that much.

Even my subconscious is freaking out since my dreams are about looking for work. But of course… it isn’t just looking for work. It is usually me looking for Shoe Sales jobs. I sold shoes off and on for about 5 years, I think. So… I’m wondering if my subconscious is retreating from the difficult and going to the familiar.

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Ultimately, it seems that my life has become a series of repeated events. Occasionally, rarely, a few moments at work. Every once in a while, less and less, filling out some job applications. Often watching TV, working out, reading Prosebox, and playing Facebook Games. Cooking at least two or three times a week. That’s… the whole of my existence. Very no bueno.

FOOD JOURNAL

2 Bananas
3 Cups of Gatorade
1 Beer
Hot Tamale Pie
- Lean Ground Beef
- Diced Tomato w/Zesty Jalapeno
- Canned corn w/peppers
- Polenta
- Onion
- Tomato Paste
- Black Olives
- Chili Powder
- Reduced fat Cheese