Who can deny the power of laughing in Random Thoughts

For a while i had to take a break from the band “The xx.” A couple weeks went by in which all i did was listen to them in my classroom on youtube. Today i brought them back.

It’s been a simulacrum of a normal PNW spring weather the past few days, but will jump up to temperatures in the 80’s pretty soon. We (i) need the rain and cloud cover.

A couple days ago i fell into bed and could not get myself out. I’d experienced an ultra grumpy day at school and felt like my heart and soul were 1,000 pounds. It’s been a while since i have inhabited that space. I wanted to just indulge and let the weight pull me in, but i reached out for help instead. I texted my Dios and just let him know how i felt. I was self indulgent for a while, and he listened, but then he said that if he were there he would tickle me to the ground until i couldn’t stop laughing. Who can deny the power of laughing? Eventually i got up, did the bit of shopping i desperately needed (coffee and cream) and the house chores (dishes, sweeping, mopping). I actually felt much better afterwards.

I still feel remnants of the tough mood. I have been irritable. Grumpy (which may in part be because it is the last couple weeks of the school year). My heart does feel heavy again, but part of that might be a result of counseling yesterday. There were some revelatory conversations, as well as a goal to work on. Also, there was a point when i got defensive and i think this is a place to explore. I also want to hear more from my counselor on her knowledge and experience in the area of power dynamics so i can be more informed and aware. The scenario was something like this:

I tend to interrupt. I am working on it, and have for a while (but i need to make a more concerted effort). Dios pointed out a time that this happened during breakfast with a friend of mine and her mom, though i had already recognized my faux pas as it was happening. I mentioned to my counselor that it helped me recognize my error better (or more?) when someone pointed it out. She said that i was giving up my power by saying/feeling that i needed someone to point out my mistakes. Now, i don’t want to give up my power. I already had recognized my error. The way i think of it is that it makes me more aware in the future if someone points it out and we discuss it, versus if i just internally recognize it and think about it. That makes sense to me and does not feel as if it is giving over power. I don’t know if i just did not get my meaning across to her, or if i am understanding the situation differently. I am going to explore this with her next time we meet.

Also, there are power dynamics between Dios and i. It is not a typical relationship. I am working on letting go of the control i feel i need to maintain. I am working on trust and vulnerability. He and i seem to be actively working on figuring out that communication piece that i have such a hard time with. He knows i just hold it in.

Which takes me to the other piece from counseling yesterday. I made a connection between the way i was treated when i grew up and why it is i have such a hard time communicating and why i take a situation and put so much meaning and interpretation to (body language, intent, voice, word choice, etc).

My mother is very defensive and sensitive. She takes things personally and will respond passive aggressively or just plain rudely. When i was growing up, she had a temper. She yelled a lot. She threw things. I was never beaten, but was definitely slapped or treated in demeaning ways (i had a cup of cold coffee dumped on me once in the middle of a restaurant). So, as my counselor and i talked through it, it came down to this:

• i would make a request, express an emotion, do something that made my mother mad
• instead of my mother recognizing her anger as something internal, she attributed it to me
• as a result, i was treated as if my (request, expression, opinion, etc) were invalid- whether that be by being demeaned, yelled at, thrown something at, slapped, etc
• i learned from an early age that those expressions of opinion, requests, etc were unimportant, unneeded, or just plain unsafe
• i learned to read situations very closely and add meaning that is not actually there.
• as a result, i have a hard time asking for, sharing, opining, etc… also i am very sensitive to a negative response. Though, i do not respond with the volatility my mother did, i just internalize it and think that i must have done something wrong, that the person does not “like” me, that i was inconveniencing them, etc.

Well, it is coming up on my 7:30 meeting, so i should get ready. I appreciate your time and attention.

Last updated June 03, 2015