i don't even know if it'll happen honestly in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

so. fuk. this is now the 3rd time I feel like fear is being used to motivate me. Mark knows about this and the other 2 times. well he knows that I feel like fear is being used to motivateme and that it’s not healthy. I told my friend Douglas from the bar via email I told Manda [Amanda] from CA. we know each other from this message board we belonged to. I just figured. someone should know.
this happens again and i’ll tell someone else probably dr. dumke. who of course won’t actually do anything [about it] but that’s another matter.
so last night basically mom told me if I don’t start cooperating i’ll lose everything. right that’s a great way to motivate me. I care honestly but i’m just such an ice queen about it all. on the surface I act like I don’t care. i’ll say things like ‘ok’ and leave it there. i’m willing to work on things w/ Jenn have her be more involved. not steph. no i’m getting to the point where I can’t stand steph. omygod. right now I don’t have a problem having jenn be more involved. the only problem is I haven’t let her know this. or anyone else. but I don’t even know if she’s willing. I don’t want it to be steph and jenn helping me only jenn.
I didn’t know when I first went into services a yr. and like almost a half ago that all this would be involved. would happen. I just knew I didn’t want to live at my mom’s the rest of my life.
well. so I just now posted on FB [my personal one not my main one] something about how I didn’t want anyone to spike out but if anyone has a place to stay please please let me know. I think I put I didn’t have rent money. maybe. and I don’t even know if it’ll get that far honestly but I want to have another plan. if it does. and no one will help me anymore. not my mom not steph not jenn. not anyone like that. and it might not but like I said.
I know i’m not being entirely practical here. or at all really.