Under Grace. in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

Oh dear and merciful Lord, I thank you for my shepherds! How protected under your cover I feel, knowing you sent these wonderful people, prepared to love, serve, and even protect me at my great hour of need. Your hand guiding each step of my journey, making my paths straight. This path sovereignly intertwined with brothers and sisters hand chosen by You specially for me. From the moment I first felt your call, as shepherds they’ve been at my side.

My Father of Mercy, I am on my face in praise of your Divine intervention. Gifts of phone calls all week, friends asking how I’m doing and letting me know I am in their prayers. I questioned why the special calls. Because God, you know in my opinion, I’m doing fine. The amazing, charitable kindness of rides, a place to rest and relax, use of a vehical and those who walked into a mission calling with me have been a laying on of Christian love. My cup overfloweth.

“This is very strange that God should want. For in Him is the fulness of all Blessedness: He overfloweth eternally. His wants are as glorious as infinite: perfective needs that are in His nature, and ever Blessed, because always satisfied. He is from eternity full of want, or else He would not be full of Treasure. Infinite want is the very ground and cause of infinite treasure. It is incredible, yet very plain Want is the fountain of all His fulness. Want in God is treasure to us. For had there been no need He would not have created the World, nor made us, nor manifested His wisdom, nor exercised His power, nor beautified Eternity, nor prepared the Joys of Heaven. But he wanted Angels and Men, Images, Companions: And these He had from all Eternity. — Thomas Traherne, Centuries of Meditations

Yes, my cup overfloweth!

Until this morning.
Laying paralyzed, feeling capable to do little else than breathe.
My mind had exploded.

Two hours I listened as my head raced through a checklist of events. Each had a requisite emotional attachment. In time my heart broke, what was once locked within became an escaped prisoner. My emotions amuck, jumping from one day to another, months in leaps, moments in slow motion… then snapped forward into reality. My burden is heavy. I cannot any longer pretend to myself I am strong enough to carry this load.

So I broke it down for myself.

1. God CAN and WILL

The hundreds of other items simply don’t matter. God has it. He has made His presence known and shown me countless mercies. So from my sudden awakening, I pray forgiveness for arrogantly I thinking, “God, I need You to carry this. I’m weak.” Like somewhere in some place it’s possible God needed me to bring His attention to these well established facts.

That said, what is next? Though paralyzed I know it’s on me to make the first physical move. Somehow, I must get out of bed. Today, before dark. Must.

Filled with uncertainties and knowing what they are I began feeling what I’d shut out. My hour of “Laugh now, cry later” had arrived. Time to grieve through the old to make room for hope. This is internal, soulful housekeeping. That sweet, blessed gift of renewal of spirit.

Now recognizing my shepherds had expected, in advance, this transition to be difficult for me. As is their way, they began praying for me months ago, petitioning God on my behalf. I had no idea my life was going to push new limits of my strength, and forgot my faith can always be tested. My shepherds forget much less often, most of the time.

Precious grace. I feared being alone and the Lord covered me. I feared for my emotional stability and the Lord covered me. I feared the unknown. God whispered, “I’ve got you” and covered me. So unfamiliar with being loved, especially by His servants, I have nearly forgotten where I’d come from. He covers me with his love.
I no longer resist my childlike need, climbing into Abba’s gentle arms. HE forgives my resistance! Wretched human I surely am, but humbly feel treasured as a most perfect gem.

Friends pray for me in this way, with thanksgiving God has brought me to treatment. The wait has been very long. Moses, too, felt the burden of a thirty-six year long journey and so much more. Knowing how his faith grew while God prepared him, so He has been preparing me.That each day, when Light appears I will be stronger and more ready to go wherever He calls me. For my focus to be on growing closer to God, learning as he reveals my path what He desires for me. And Lord, please let me accept being loved the way You arrange it, not fearing, but trusting. I ask all this in Jesus name. Amen.

Keeping my wick trimmed and burning.

Last updated January 29, 2015