I just suck. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I worked 34 hours this week which is alright. Not as much as I wanted but it’s not bad. My next check goes straight to rent so I’m living on tips until the check after. I am so sick of even talking about money or having to worry about it. I know I’ll be alright but I just wish I made more hourly. Ugh.

Anyways, I’m starting to feel myself going back into a depression because I never have anyone to hang out with that i actually enjoy spending my time with. It’s just really starting to get to me. I got off at 7 on Thursday night because that girl I don’t like was going to close so the GM cut me early. I’ll talk about that later but since my brother and his girlfriend were “talking” I didn’t get to see my niece, I was invited to have a drink with the GM. We had a beer at a bar about a block away from where we live (he lives like 200 yards away from me, no joke) and then we hung out at his house. He’s a lot more fun than I could have ever imagined and thought I was becoming weirdly obsessed with him. Not that I have romantic feelings for him but just enjoyed hanging out with him. He had me laughing harder than I have in a long time so last night, after working 10 hours I picked him up from work and was hoping we would hang out but one of the guys we work with was at his house waiting for him when he got there and because I didn’t want to feel like the 3rd wheel, I just dropped him off and came home.

I felt really down because I really wanted to hang out with him again so I came home and burst into tears. I am terrified that it’s always going to be like this and feel so out of place in this world. It just makes me think about everything. I know that I am a good person and would like to have people to connect with but every time I try, I’m reminded why I don’t. I don’t know, it’s just become easier to just work and come home. I’ve spent so much energy trying to reach out to people to wonder even why. They always have someone better to spend their time with or they are in relationships. It makes me really…sad for lack of a better word.

Last night I was starting to question what I’m doing. What am I working for? What is my purpose on this planet? Is it always going to be like this? I really don’t like being all by myself but it’s better for me because of my work schedule and the only people who seem to take an interest in me are ones that are just out to use me, creepers or people who annoy the fuck out of me. I can’t stand most people because they are either really loud, full of themselves, have too much drama or I just don’t feel like I can relate to them so when I find someone I connect with, I want to hang out with them but I gotta get that out of my head and just be okay with not having a social life.

That guy that I’ve had a crush on for awhile…well he blocked me. I pretty much knew he would but I don’t know what I did to deserve it. He posted something earlier today asking what people saw when they looked at him so I messaged him and said in my eyes he looked beautiful and then I checked a few minutes later to see if he read it, which he did and then he blocked me. It’s really sad that you can’t even tell someone something nice and you get blocked. I probably came on too strong but again, it’s me being by myself for so long and I honestly look like weirdo or something.

My niece is going home soon and then I’m probably going to just watch tv and go to bed. I’m super tired and need more sleep. I woke up around noon today wishing I could sleep all day but because I didn’t have her last night, I knew I wanted to spend time with her today. We went to Walmart because I needed food and stuff for the house and I got her a new dress and some pajamas. Walmart was ridiculous, just like it always is and I was happy to get the fuck out of there. I get sick of that place always being so packed and it’s hard to even find a place to park. Gets super old real fucking quick.

I want to shower but I may just wait until tomorrow. It’s not like anyone is really going to see me or care anyways. I’ve also gotten real sick of eating fast food too. Every time I’ve eaten it lately, I’ve gotten a horrible stomachache. I made my low carb stew today and haven’t had any sugar, except for an iced coffee. I’m going to try really hard to start working on myself.

Still debating on whether to buy another laptop or not. I’m using the one that has a virus so it doesn’t work very well and my internet keeps crashing but I’m impatient waiting for my guy to come into town to fix it and it’s not much more to just invest in another one because everyone here wants an arm and a fucking leg to wipe out the virus so it’s just not worth it to me. I’m not able to download music anymore and that’s something I love to do because I love having new songs in the car. I just wish people here didn’t charge so much to wipe out a fucking virus. I’d rather pay another $50 and just buy one brand new. I’m tired of people who make a living just from ripping people off because they pray on people who don’t know how to remove a virus and all it takes is getting the right software and clicking a button every few minutes!

I dunno, I’m just crabby. I’m also sick of not feeling that great today. I have a headache and am ready to be by myself. I love my niece very much but I’m just exhausted from work and am happy to get a nap or an early bedtime. I’m always happy to be by myself because it’s the only thing that I can count on, it’s been consistent.

It would be really nice to be able to get back into counseling but I can’t afford to spend $40 for 1 hour of someone listening to me. I just don’t know what to do. I know that I have a lot of issues that I need to talk about, that I need someone’s point of view on to help me make sense of things and just a lot of things I’ve never really talked about before. I just want to feel like someone cares that isn’t going to judge me or tell everyone else my problems.

Anyways, this laptop is about to die so I’ll write more later.