Feeling stronger today. in Since OD is shutting down....

Today is already starting out to be a better day. I woke up to some sunshine and the wind isn’t blowing so that already puts me in a better mood. The boss text and ask if I could pick up some people before work and I said no because then I would have to leave work earlier than I already do and I don’t get paid anything extra for doing it. I told her I need her to send me the thing so I can get into my paystubs and that once manager schedules change to let me know so I can adjust my schedule accordingly because I still don’t feel comfortable working under that girl and she said she would. I’m also going to talk to the GM about it tomorrow because I just want to make sure that we are all on the same page.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about Eric and I do believe I’m going to leave him blocked this time. There’s just too many similarities between him and my ex John and I just can’t let myself go down another dead end road with someone else. It’s just crazy how much he reminds me of John with how disrespectful he was, how much he thought I owed him and how mean he would get when things didn’t go his way and none of that is shit I want to deal with anymore. I know that I’m a good woman and someday I’ll find the guy who will appreciate it.

Eric never did much that made me happy and I don’t want to be with someone just because the sex is good. I’ve done that kind of shit before and it’s just not healthy and it’s not what I want. I want someone that I actually enjoy being around, I enjoy being in their presence and not just put up with their bullshit and disrespect just to get to the sex. I also don’t want to deal with someone who has a lot of the same issues that my ex did. I just can’t deal with someone who doesn’t have a car and relies on me for rides whether it’s for us to hang out or a ride to work or whatever. Maybe I’m being a bitch about this but I shell out hundreds every month to have a car and pay for repairs that I just can’t understand when people choose not to have a car.

I’m still bothered about that guy but I know in time, I’ll forget about him. It’s not like we ever had sex or even kissed but because he has ignored me, I need to let it go. It sucks because I’m attracted to him and know that he is probably someone who would have treated me how I want to be treated but it is what it is. I’m going to try and not let it get to me anymore. It’s just hard because there is a part of me that is sick of being alone and just want a good guy but I’ve done what I could to make that happen and it’s not so I need to just keep enjoying my life and my freedom until the right one comes along. Sometimes I get anxious worrying that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life but it’s better than being with the wrong one too.

I’m getting ready for work now. I have laundry in the wash and I’m going to wear makeup today. I do believe once it gets warm and stays that way, I’m gonna get back to the gym and try like hell to start eating healthy every meal. My motivation has moved to the wayside because of my job and what not but I want to lose weight and feel better about myself. I know that I’m a beautiful girl but knowing that I could be more beautiful, I need to make that happen. I also need to stop buying cigarettes as well. I really can’t afford it, don’t want to and I’m tired of having smokers cough and worrying that I stink. I don’t know why the fuck I let shit get to me enough to start that shitty habit again but I need to take control of it.

My boss just text back and said that bitch I don’t like opens tomorrow and Friday and asked if I would rather do evenings the next 2 days and I said yes. I hate having to get up early and I make more in the evening. I also hate day shift because we don’t make as much and money is better at night. It sucks that it has to be this way but I feel like if I have to work with her, then my job is in jeopardy because I’m just too scared she would pick a fight with me again and I’d end up saying something really fucking stupid or punching her in the face. I really appreciate my boss making sure I know what’s going on and giving me options like this. I love feeling comfortable with my job and then respecting my wishes!!!!

I feel a bit relieved right now because this means I only have to get up early one day this week. I also like working at night because it’s more exciting, more fast-paced and there’s more chance to make better money. This is probably going to work out to being a good thing for me. I’m hoping I will start doing mainly evening shifts again.

I am overwhelmed that I will have a light bill starting next month and I have to start paying back student loans in August but neither bill is super expensive but it’s just more stress. I hate having so many damn bills and now that I’m going to have 2 more, it definitely gives me anxiety.

Anyways, time for work.