Movie Review: Mad Max: Fury Road. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I was looking forward to seeing Mad Max: Fury Road. As a rule, that’s a bad thing. I wanted to like it, because it’s upsetting stupid boys.

It felt like a campy 80’s movie with three hours of Michael Bay SPLOSIONS. I can’t remember the last time I saw so many explosions. The pacing was terrible; it felt slow as HELL. The first couple hours, I was waiting for the movie to start. The tropes of Good People and Bad People are established. But other than Furiosa, I couldn’t tell you any of their names. Why was Skeletor in charge? Why was everybody painted white? I just assume Skeletor keeps a harem because he’s a Bad Man.

I wasn’t even sure WHO MAX WAS until the very end. I am VERY BAD at reading between lines, and spent most of the movie confused. I mean, what was the point? Was it aesthetic? Four hours of desert chase scenes? THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS ONE LONG CHASE SCENE. Skeletor sends WAVE AFTER WAVE of his own men, but oh look, THERE’S MORE. After the hundredth guy tries to board the HeroTrain, you stop caring. Oh look, another guy died. Whoop-de-do.

Why was mister BaneFace hooked up to the front of a car, other than to make him poop his pants? Why was there a blood transfusion thing? Was he superhuman? Why did he attack the HeroTrain? Why did he then JOIN the HeroTrain? WHY WOULD THEY LET HIM ON THE HEROTRAIN? Why did White Parched Lips Guy switch sides?

If Water is at such a premium, how are Grandmas With Guns surviving?

After the thousandth Bad Guy dies to his death, I found myself laughing at the wrong moments. Like I said, 80’s camp. It’s so over the top that I eventually couldn’t take it seriously. IT’S A FIVE HOUR CHASE SCENE. I’m trying to think of something positive. A guy with a flaming guitar on top of an EvilTrain? Is that supposed to look cool? Why is everybody willing to die for Skeletor?

Wow, I almost feel bad for not liking it. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t like it. Maybe people like it for the aesthetic; I certainly like some movies for aesthetic. But after a six hour boring car chase, I just couldn’t get into it.

Oh wait, now I remember the positive thing. It makes stupid boys upset. That’s about it.