oh i know. let's motivate the girl who's been abused, w/ fear. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

good job. [sarcasm btw].
yeah. cause that’s exactly a healthy way to handle me. that’s exactly the right way to approach things. what the fuking hell.

um so basically. i’m still here. in the place where once again fear is being used to motivate me. and I don’t think it’s healthy. that’s funny. Jennifer the yelling lady. well her mainly. she’s the one who’s like [this happened yesterday btw. at the meeting that me, my mom, the yelling lady, amber, steph, jenn and amber were at] well if I won’t do what she says they’ll take more things away from me. omygod i’m not fukin 12. instead of actually trying different ways to. I don’t know help me. instead of presenting an idea to me and going ‘hey so what do you think of this idea?’. they do that.
but no what she’s doing is she’s restating the problem and only doing things her way. and then she gets on me for wanting everything mine. I am willing a bit [not a whole helluva lot[ to talk to them and figure out different ways to help me. there are different ways to help people just like there are different ways to make tea. some make it on the stove and put the teabag in before the water and some don’t. but I don’t think either of those ways is wrong. no if making it on he stove [i’m metaphorically speaking of course] works for a person then ok. it relates.
anyway.
cause right now we’re not getting anywhere and this isn’t working for me much less anyone else. ya know they [well the yelling lady and steph] have this habit of talking about me instead of to me and when they do talk to me it’s to like. verbally attack me or something. to tell me the same point everyone knows. i’m sorry I thought we were trying to solve a problem here. but I guess we’re not cause nothing ever gets done.
ya know it’s funny: they’re the ones who are all about health and safety and they’re the ones who are doing something unhealthy in regards to me. [yeah I’ve done unhealthy shit too. but I hope to god no one’s ever lived in fear bc of me. and if they ever have I feel so.so damn bad about that. and even though I have done unhealthy things such as drinking heavily. if my friends don’t want t drink. then i’m ok w/ that. er I mean that’s kindof a weird example and is the opposite of what i’m trying to get at but idk of another example that works, so].
ya know. yesterday at the meeting I brought up the fact that I hadn’t cut in 2 yrs. and no one acknowledged that. ok wow. I was under the impression that was supposed to be a good thing but I guess it’s not. [and ya know maybe I should start up again. just so well A: by taking something away from them it’ll balance things out and 2: maybe they’ll appreciate how good it was when I wasn’t. no and i’m not going to but i’m just making a point. hey I can play that game too. I like playing games. in that regard. i’m not I mean i’m not proud of it but i do. and anyway ok moving on]. or at least it doesn’t feel like it is. I don’t want like. an overreaction [oh god no] to that but something like ‘hey I hear you haven’t cut in 2 yrs. ok righton’ and then we can move on. that’s really all i’m asking for is a little more acknowledgement. I don’t get it and I get depressed. and then I feel like I don’t matter. and I mean. wow. I don’t think that’s good for anyone w/ clinical depression. in fact it’s not. actually. and they didn’t even acknowledge that. me going out is helping. [and by me going i mean me going to the gas station. in order to help my depression. that’s what i meant. to clarify: I don’t go to the gas station to help me depression but that’s one of the results of going]. maybe not everyone needs this much acknowledgement and that’s ok. maybe some don’t i’m just not one of them.
and they brought up the fact that either A: i’m not always responsible [yeah but is anyone? no] or 2: I don’t take responsibility and right after they said that I went ‘you’re right I don’t and i’m owning up to it’. and, nothing. I don’t know how long it took me to be able to get that point but I know I wasn’t always like that. in some aspects I do better things. er I mean. I owned up to the responsibility thing. they far as I know haven’t. so..........that’s something I did that they haven’t. um. idk.
yeah so i was telling alexis about this yesterday. and she presented the idea to me of. making a list of things that bother me about my situation and. idk. her plan was something like present it at the next meeting, or something. and I will once I’ve had time to think about things [which I usually do when I walk around] and when i’m not so emotional about all this.