precipice in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

‘it’s like i’m standing at a great precipice screaming and no one even looks up’

yes. I still love that movie.

but sometimes. ya should let people see the precipice. and that’s..........well that’s what makes it so hard for me. I don’t let anyone see the precipice I feel like they should just know. I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to go to other people to. to ask them. evan once told me ‘if you need my help ask if you need someone else’s help ask them’. no and that’s. really simple. but for me it’s not easy.
I blog here . and if they could all see that. then they’d understand. but opening up like that it’s. it’s terrifying. so I tell the people who can’t do a damn thing about it bc it’s easier. i’ve always been like that. thing is though........it’s not their place to do anything about it it’s not my friends’ place they can only listen. but damnit I wish. there was something in between. and i’m sorry that i’m not that strong. i’m not strong enough to do it all on my own.
i’m so. angry right now i’m actually crying. it’s the only socially acceptable thing to do at 4:50 a.m. it’s been a long time since this happened. it has w/I the past yr. yeah. I cry when i’m angry. and when i’m tired. and when i’m happy. i’m not drinking right now i’m not cutting. i’m not smoking [but god a cig would help. I don’t want to unwind I want to stay angry. which is why I want vodka. or whiskey]. no instead i’m crying. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like hurting this much. even if they don’t understand it then tell me that. tell me there’s something going on that. whomever doesn’t understand. whatever happened to compassion. and tact. and understanding. oh right it left. is it really that hard? I guess yeah for others. i’m the one w/ all the answers who knows exactly how to help. but I don’t want to be a unicorn [again metaphor] if i’m the last one. I don’t relate fully to people who don’t know how to help bc I do. [er i mean i do know how to help that is].
I want to fuking. destroy something i’m so angry. and usually that leads. to self destruction. I could sure I could scratch but it burns and they’d know. it’s a weird feeling being left to your own devices. it’s like. I ran but got nowhere so. then I came back here. I want my fukin external devices but I. I don’t have them they’re locked away and so now here I am. I I need to move when i’m angry but it’s 5 in the morning and I should sleep. [says the woman who keeps going on]. I want to play guitar [done it a few times when angry]. I want to make noise. I want to let someone know in some way.
but I have. i’m still in this emotion though. cause there’s not been enough noise in some way to. satisfy me.
I could go on but like I said. time.