Communication is hard. in --

Man, I wish I had better communication skills.

Today has been really rough. I was woken up at 2am to Lorelei spitting up on me (it got in my hair too). She seems fine today, so she probably just nursed too much, poor kid. Then I got woken up by my sister at 7 because she woke up late and chose to take 40 minutes to get ready instead of trying to make the bus on time. I had to drag the sleeping kids out of bed to take her to school. So the kids were up an hour or two earlier than normal, and they weren’t happy about it. I managed to spill two full cups of coffee on the couch before I successfully drank the third one. I started crying and Cannon laughed at me. I almost lost it because I just couldn’t handle all of the crying… if one of them wants me to hold them, the other ones starts crying because they want me to hold them, and they both cry at the same time… just… bleh. I am behind on laundry because I had to wash the couch cushions from the coffee spill instead of all the clothes I planned to do today (did I mention all of that happened before 9am?). I had very little patience from sheer exhaustion. Jacob came home around noon, since he took half the day off. The cable people were here for what seemed like forever and I had to entertain the kids during that so they weren’t in the way. I didn’t have time to work out, and I didn’t get anything done for dinner…

so Jacob decides to go to a movie with his friend. And we just went to a movie yesterday (which I didn’t really want to do, I just wanted a break. I’m tired of sitting around doing nothing, why would I want to do that for “fun;” although I did want to see this particular movie for awhile now, I just wasn’t in the mood). I did mention to him that I was really tired and didn’t have much patience and whatnot but he obviously didn’t get the hint (yes, I’m pissed that I hinted at it instead of flat out said I didn’t want him to). I just didn’t want him to get mad. He has one week left until summer break, why wouldn’t he just go next week? It’s not urgent that he went tonight. I’m sitting here on the verge of tears because I didn’t speak up. :(

I was stuck under a sleeping Lorelei but I had to go to the bathroom. I tried putting her down, and she woke up crying and grumpy. I can’t get dinner because she will cry the entire time I’m trying to feed myself and I just don’t want to deal with it. I still need a shower.

Oh, and the movie is 2 hours long and he probably won’t get back until an hour or more after that because that’s what he fucking does.

I’m just really tired of all of this isolation and loneliness. He thinks it’s enough to tell me how attracted he is to me and that he loves me everyday. But it’s not. Am I selfish for that? I just need like, real alone time with him and he acts like it’s not a big deal that we don’t have it. We also don’t have sex. I guess I’ve mentioned that a lot. I guess I did stuff to him last week, but last night when I wanted to have sex, he blew me off because he was depressed about work stuff… which I understand. It just feels one-sided, I guess.

We probably need to see some sort of couples counseling.

He graduated on Saturday and got mad that I didn’t make him feel special… I didn’t know that I was supposed to do anything, to be honest. I’ve never gone to a graduation except for my high school one. Was I supposed to get him a cake? A present? I don’t know. We haven’t been getting each other gifts or anything for birthdays and stuff so I didn’t realize. I kept telling him that I was proud of him before it, but I guess he wanted more but didn’t tell me. I was also too busy trying to get the kids ready to go on Saturday and myself ready to go. I also didn’t get to see most of the graduation because Lorelei was not happy, but at least I got to see him graduate.

I really don’t feel like a very good partner. :\ I don’t do enough, I think.

I expect too much, but don’t do enough.

Last updated May 19, 2015