oh god what if it happens again in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

see thing is. I don’t know these guys from. anyone really. I mean yeah they can and do tell me about themselves via email and I already have.......um. 4 guys i’d get together w/ [though not all at once. wow people flock to me like birds. apparently]. but........fuk. what if I get raped again?
it’s been almost 2.5 yrs. since I last was which I think is pretty good. but it’s a legitimiate fear being that it’s happened 3 times before. er I mean 3 times already, so. i’d bring a friend w/ me but all my friends live out of state, so. [Mark’s in AZ evan’s in CA Susie’s in............um. UT. Lane’s in TX. and so on]. and w/ my HS friends we don’t keep in touch often enough for me to trust they’ll be at the place I meet the other guys at. see this is why I want to back out of things.
and i don’t want to ask steph/jenn cause then i’d have to explain the situation to them, so.
I don’t think. that every guy I meet is going to rape me. no that’s not it all. no I just know it’s a v. real possibility. I know I do still have the option of backing out at any time. even when meeting the guys and if something feels off then i’d be all ‘I have to go’. they don’t really need any more explanation than that bc I don’t know them and so the way I see it is therefore I don’t owe them more. than that.
no I have a plan for what to do. i’m just idinno. it scares me.
and also it’s not even just that. my ex as people might know verbally abused me. and yeah i’m scared of that happening again. yeah Pat I were close but other than knowing who he was [the best person I ever knew in my opinion and I think a few people would agree] I didn’t really know. the details. like I didn’t know what jobs he’d had kindof thing. er wlel actualy I knew one. he was from Missouri and then moved to.............ohio I think and then CO. his family’s from Missouri.
god it’s weird being back here. i’m in a place I haven’t been in a long time. I was here when I was like 2...........2 22 I mean. 21, 22. yeah and I went on a few dates during that time and that went ok. met a few nice guys. I was thinking about them recently. jeff, Jason, ru, james A. [who funnily enough replied to an ad of mine recently - w/i the last 2 yrs. - on that site regarding pot]. you know they were cool. until. the one time.........when. well this guy and I were dating [well in my book dating means going out and having dinner. so we were together but we weren’t like. dating since like I just explained] and we hung out at my place a few times and prior to the last time we did he. raped me. I didn’t fully put it together until a yr. later [when I was 24]. I thought we’d had sex and I knew it hurt and I.........I won’t detail it. right now. yeah idinno how many people know that part. and then after that I stopped . seeing people. er I mean in that way.
I met Michael off another site [as in my former friend Michael] and then like [this was when I was 23] a yr. after. well.............hm wait................yeah almost a yr. after [we stopped getting together april 4 yrs. ago] I met my ex at the bar. and then my bar friends. and then evan and then pat.
and now here we are.
so yeah this is a weird place to be.in.