what is love in Depression

I’m not in love. I should be, I thought I was, I know how I should feel and I thought I felt it but I’ve just been thinking lately that this is definitely not love. I love him, that’s true, but I’m not in love with him.

I don’t know if I’m capable of that kind of love. It might be too intense or too committed for me. I have no clue. All I know is is that I don’t feel it. But apparently he does. Maybe that’s part of my problem. I don’t really believe him. Well if I can doubt my love than surely I can doubt his. But my point is, is that I shouldn’t be.

I want to be overwhelmed feelings for him, to want nothing but him, to constantly think about him, to want to be with him constantly and to miss him when I’m not. But I don’t. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me and that I can’t love or if I’m just a cold hearted bitch but whatever it is it’s painful.

My brain works in a very self destructive kind of way. I guess it’s attached to the self harm, but it’s not quite physical - bleeding - pain but more emotional pain. Where I’m hoping that I’ll fall head over heels for someone and they won’t feel the same way, or I’ll go through a bad breakup and will crumble. Maybe I just want to feel something.

I think I’ll talk more about this another day. Right now it’s 5am and I should probably sleep.

I have an appointment tomorrow (well, today I guess) with the therapist or nurse or whoever they decided would see me. I’m quite nervous and feel sick to my stomach but am hoping for good to come out of it.

I also went to the dentist yesterday (first time in like 3 years since I got my braces taken off) because I had pain in my lower back tooth/gum. Ended up getting a wisdom tooth taken out there and then. And I have to get another taken out but that’ll be in a few weeks because it’s on the lower jaw and that’s more complicated or something I dunno I kind of tuned out after they said they were taking out one of my teeth. It wasn’t that sore, just a lot of pressure. Obviously they gave me an anesthetic and then they tried to take it out but I could still feel it and so they gave me more and it was all good. My lip felt so fat after the drug! So strange 😅 but now there’s a gap and it’s sore and my whole mouth just hurts and I’ve got a headache because of it. Enough rambling though, just thought I’d add in that event