fukin hurts. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

yeah so I know I’ve probably mentioned this. well. ok so steph is required to check my pockets. and er. rather. ok so certain things people like her [this entry didn’t start off articulate] are required to do, like check my pockets might trigger me. and even if amber and them knew about. you know, ‘that’ in the words of my friend Mark [being the sex abuse] I don’t think they’d change anything. i’m leaning more towards they won’t then they will. and doesn’t seem like anyone’s going to advocate for me [well no not if they don’t know what happened]. <

which brings me to my next point. that even just telling them anyone.............about. ‘that’ is hard enough. what happened to me is terrible enough. and the fact they won’t change anything they’re doing in order to accommodate me. it jut makes it that much worse. and yeah it fukin hurts. it’s like i’m being told it doesn’t matter. and I wanted it to matter [well ok so I still do]. it should matter. and if I feel it doesn’t matter then I feel like I don’t matter. and I mean. I don’t like that [well no one does]. I’ve worked so damn hard to tell people. over the past. well at least the past 3 yrs. not..........not everyone but the few select people. and now this.
evan knows. and he has tried to change his ways to accommodate me. [I don’t know that I can accurately say I’ve done the same]. which proves to me that he actually does care. no he loves me. so much. in the same way Pat did in that friend way. I need to know the people in my life would do anything for me. even if they shouldn’t. I need to feel like they would. and right now I only feel that way er. I mean I only feel that from one person and that’s evan. and I love him for that. but it’s also sad like wow.
but ya know. it’s ok. not that i’m hurting but that. i’m so used to well. being used to things. to jut getting by. no i get it they won’t change anything the way i want them to that’s fine.
I’ve come to think it’s my apparent destiny to be hurt throughout life. the earliest I remember it starting was when I was 6. and that wasn’t even me it was my sister. sometimes it seems like i’m just here for the purpose of being used. I thought I was done w/ this. well see that’s the problem is whenever I think I am. something happens. I really don’t have much else to say on this matter without circle talking.
on fri. night when steph was going on about checking my leg to make sure it’s ok [oh yeah so earlier that day my mom unintentionally ran over my ankle w/ the car] I even told her - steph I mean - something like ‘if someone says no then people should listen’. but clearly they don’t. no it’s my body. I don’t want it to ever be anyone else’s unless I choose for it to be. I guess it’s not mine though. since they’re the ones who decide if when something happens to it how to handle it. well again this is why they don’t know when i’m sick. and I get sick a lot. what’s wrong w/ a little self preservation? not a fukin thing in my book. seeing as no one else is going to protect it i’m the only one left to do so. good thing i’m used to doing so but also wow that’s disappointing. and again even if they knew............they won’t change anything. yes I chose to be in services. but I didn’t know enough to make an informed decision. I just knew I didn’t want to be living at my mom’s the rest of my life. being at my mom’s living there the........the almost yr. I did. it wasn’t overall better but certain things were. no one said anything if I self destructed. and living w/ steph and them well. certain things are better and others aren’t. the reason steph won’t change anything for me is cause she doesn’t want to jeopardise her job. well frankly. I don’t care if she has a job I just care if I have a place to live. [but if hypothetically I ended up moving somewhere else I might not like that. er I mean. then i’d realize how good I had it living w/ steph. that’s the thing. I’ve found we never fully appreciate things until we don’t have them either for awhile or ever]. which says to me that she cares more about her and her job then she does about me. which is fine some people are just like that. [I guess I have no room to talk though being that i’m an addict. I’ve been on that side of things too. i’m not um. i’m not particularly proud of it].
it fukin hurts. when you feel like most people don’t care. well maybe they don’t. actually most people are selfish but they’re not honest enough to admit it. from my experience.