oh i know. let's not listen to the girl who was raped. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

ok so. apparently steph has to actually physically check my pockets to see if I’ve brought back sharps as they know about the cutting. er well they know I used to. and ya know while I think that’s stupid [people and their stupid safety. it wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t keep repetitively reminding me about this. er I mean that’s why I think it’s stupid. much as I hate going here the general idea of her doing this isn’t in and of itself a big thing] i’m ok w/ her checking some of my pockets.
well. so I need to be honest w/ someone about this. so I always wear cords [corduroy] pants. unless i’m in my pajama pants. well my cords have pockets but I told her they don’t. bc if she knew they did [which she might I mean she’s not. well she’s not stupid] then she’d be poking her hand in the pockets. right near my um.........you know lady parts. I wouldn’t like this anyway but esp. as I’ve been raped. and so due to this I don’t like it all the more. the only people who’ve been allowed there the past um. like 3 yrs. have been my ex and evan.
and even if they [oh ‘they’ being steph, amber, the yelling lady and Hannah and such] knew that I have been [which again I mean they might given I’ve eluded to it] I don’t think they’d change that. meaning I don’t think they’d be like ok so bc we don’t want to trigger her. we’re not going to have steph check for sharps. yeah last night when steph knew what my mom had done she’s all ‘well either someone here needs to see your leg or we’re going to the er’ and I kept telling her ‘no’ or ‘yeah we’ll see’ and usually when I say that or ‘yeah i’ll think about it’ it means I already have thought about it and the answer’s no. no it’s my fukin body. I don’t ever want it to be anyone else’s. bc at a time it was. yeah but see they won’t listen they won’t change that. no if something happens to me then they have to know. which is why they usually don’t. but apparently no it’s not my body anymore. steph is like ‘well if I don’t do this i won’t be doing my job’. yeah I get it. it’s all about you and your stupid job isn’t it. no one cares enough to make exceptions for me. [sorry. i’m a cynic, so. and some people aren’t and that’s fine i’m just not one of them].
my as icall her emotions dr. doesn’t know I was raped. I mean she knows I have ptsd and again she’s also not stupid. but I haven’t explicitly told her that I was........yeah. I think she should know but i’m not going to push myself into telling her. and see again even if she did well she’s one who’s a big believer in self advocacy. which usually isn’t a bad thing. but ya know what. in situations like this I want someone else to advocate for me. no i’m not like. vasjjign [sorry, drunk. bashing] self advocacy. it depends on the situation. I assumed she wasn’t like that. so again I can try and tell her and i’d think she’ll listen when I do tell her. but she won’t like. ring steph or amber and tell them to change anything. and maybe she might not be the person to see for my ptsd. maybe that’s all it really is. which is fine save for it’s just. well it’s disappointing. like oh so people won’t make exceptions for me regarding my ptsd/anxiety/the rapes. oh ok that’s fine. not like I need to be handled delicately at all. no I don’t. why would that have any impact on my depression. I don’t need to feel like I matter enough to make exceptions for. [i’m being dishonest here. of course* I need to feel like I do everyone does]. yeah and once again I deserve better but i’m not getting it. and I don’t know even if I wasn’t living w/ steph that i’d get it, so.
see i’m so used to just getting by. i’m so used to. er well being used to things. people tell me that something’s not fair to me and I don’t know if they mean just that or if they think it should bother me. like ok. so on...........uh...........fukin wed. the bus lady & I had to wait 20 mins. for another passenger to get off work. which is fine we all have to wait. but the bus lady [sorry driver the bus driver] was like ‘well that’s not fair to you’. which she could’ve meant as just that. just that she was pointing it out. which she probably was. idinno............I read too much into things like that.
when I was raped I already wasn’t listened to. this just reminds me of that.