15-05.05.92 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

​I’ll try more of a narrative style today… I’m in the office from 8:30 am until 5:30 pm today so… might as well.

I had been sent to Missouri to find a job and was given an interview with Jefferson County Attorneys. Despite how long the drive was, I had not booked a hotel as I was certain one would not be needed. However, when I arrived at the interview; I was informed that there was a delay due to a case and the interview had to be pushed to the next day. I looked around for hotels, but the only places with vacancies were charge-by-the-hour… so no. I then got the idea to try to head to my Godfather’s house in Clayton. Clayton is only a 50 minute (or so) drive from Hillsboro.. why not? But when I got to Clayton… I could find the municipal pool but nowhere else… not even my Godfather’s house. So I pulled out my winter survival blanket and set up shop to sleep there.

Which is when I woke up. The whole thing having been a dream. But, yet again, a dream that makes me believe an old silly theory. There is the suggestion that if a multi-verse exists… infinite possibilities creating infinite universes with infinite alternate versions of ourselves… perhaps dreams may be a glimpse into some of those alternate realities. Whether there is any merit to that theory or not, it is an interesting way of looking at dreams like the one I had this morning. I awoke alert after the dream, which is typically a bad sign. It suggests that while I slept, my pain increased. But there is little to do about that. I went through my morning ritual without incident; but as soon as I began to do anything of substance? The rage. The overpowering rage that starts in the belly and consumes the heart before energizing every fiber in my body with an excess of energy. The physical and emotional proof that my pain was, indeed, getting worse today. The rage makes me wish I had super powers. Not so that I could inflict damage due to rage; but the rage is a feeling and an energy that makes me think maybe, just maybe, if I had a super power to funnel all that energy into… I could exorcise it. As it is… it simply remains and nags at me as I go through my day attempting to ignore it.

The drive to work was no help. Some jackass in a rent-a-truck was going 40 mph on the highway so I couldn’t even get to speed to pass him until the left lane had completely cleared of vehicles going the appropriate 60 mph. But as I approached the office, a curious sight appeared. The entrance was blocked off with police tape and all of the inmates that work in programs were lined up along the front outside wall. I was morbidly curious. Did one of our Programs Kids commit a crime at the Programs Building? The truth of the matter is both more and less dramatic. In the early hours of the morning the sprinkler system malfunctioned causing the basement and the first floor to flood (along with the elevator). So… lots and lots of lots and lots of water damage to everything in two stories of our office. Ufda.

I grabbed my paperwork for the morning, ran off to court. Court itself was fairly standard and I strongly wish I could bottle the whole thing to share with potential employers in my future. Because honestly… my qualifications and experience demonstrate that I am vastly overqualified for my job; but the experience of being in court every morning for Felony Arraignments? I’ve said it before but… in order to get as much court time as I’ve received at this job; most lawyers have to work for 5 to 6 years. I’m just really ready for that experience to help me find a bloody job. Oh, one more thing about court… and I feel bad mentioning this but… honesty is a good policy when the situation is neutral. The rage that consumes me on days like this brings out my other… less civilized… parts as well. The Public Defender was looking nice today and it took more energy than I’m comfortable admitting to resist ogling. But I’ll say it again.. I am remarkably impressed with how a woman who is easily in her 40s, works as a lawyer, and has 4 kids manages to look so good. Bright natural red hair always done well, excellent fashion that looks professional and comfortable but flattering, marvelously pale Irish white skin. Certainly an attractive woman. And were I not so dedicated to self-control; I could easily have seen myself openly gawking on a day like today. But that is part of who I am, I suppose. I’ve dealt with this pain-induced-rage since even before I knew why it was happening. So over the years, I’ve mastered techniques to keep myself disciplined and controlled. But, as could be expected, all of that constantly feeds in to this wild wish that one day I could just… not be so disciplined. To, for one day, let go… relax… let the walls down. I think that is one of the reasons my current marriage issues bother me so much. I honestly thought marriage would be a place where I could be like that.... but… it has proven not to be the case.

ANYway; after court… back to the office to check the schedule for the week. Every single shift today and, oh look, every single shift tomorrow. PLUS tomorrow, the judge is Homer. Not really the man’s name but every docket turns into an epic poem and court takes forever. So… today and tomorrow promise to be long ass days. But then no work until Friday afternoon where I will again be training the very attractive Hawaiian girl. That being said though, this week already feels like it is too full. 12 hours today; 12 hours tomorrow; Thursday is a day where the wife doesn’t work but I also have a Google Hangouts meeting with some people later that night. Friday is a simple training day but Saturday is completely spoken for already… just to turn around and do it all again. Meanwhile, I have to find time to passionately look for work, take care of myself, and do what I can around the house.

By the way… despite finally convincing the wife that she may want to actually get a real diagnosis on her alleged Aspbergers… she did not go to the Autism Society on Friday nor did she ask her doctor about it during her appointment on Monday. I don’t blame her too harshly for Monday; she went in to ask about her leg pain.... but you’d think if she were serious about getting some kind of help that she would have mentioned it.

I had intended to save this as a draft and return later to complete the day, if the mood struck me; but as I look at how much I have here… perhaps it would be best to post now and (should the need to write more pop up) make a different entry later.