What i want/i know i cant fix everything in Random Thoughts

Today in counseling we talked about what it means to be in “emotional control” and what it would look like if i were not in control.

The truth is, i cannot really articulate it. I have never had a breakdown, a panic attack..... been so depressed that i had no control. I have been in situations in which i thought i lost emotional control, but really it was a reaction to the situation more than anything.

My “homework” is to list what i want. i am not sure where this will lead, but for some reason it is causing me distress.

Like i said, i always regress after counseling. I feel like i have gone back to those times when all i wanted to do was crawl under the table and hide, when in reality i bucked up and did what was needed to be done (although not to the capacity i was capable of, or poor quality, or late, or with a lot of inefficient effort and emotional turmoil.)

Maybe emotional control means that i can get my life done without breaking down. Which i never did in the past, or never where anyone noticed or where it really affected anything outside my own head.

Right now, i am crying and typing half with my eyes closed. Now i am not. I had to rock and grieve there for a moment.

As i mentioned. A list. What i want. It can be small and specific. Eventually leading to the heart and essence. I have been walking around my house thinking about it. I have a couple ideas. I will throw them out here, but really what i need to do is make a chart. A big piece of paper i put on the wall and draw on all week with sharpies or something like that. I will also try to frame what i want in the positive versus the things i want to change or to be different

• Independence
• To feel free to communicate my wants/needs/desires/opinions
• To trust
• Happiness

Those may be some of the big pictures. Some other wants, in the realm of specifics:

• teach abroad, or travel extensively
• a garden
• to do yoga twice a week
• to raise a fierce, independent child free from the binds and blinders that society tends to place on most of us
• to love my friends and family with all my heart
• to love my students and do the best for them that i can

I pulled out, randomly, one of my journals from a box at the top of my bathroom closet. It is dated February-July 2001. It is intriguing. Heartbreaking. I read a few tidbits and i feel that i.
have.
not.
changed.

Why do i feel it has taken me so long? Why do i feel i

Gosh darn. I know this is all just blowback from counseling, but crapola. I don’t even know what to do with myself right now. I can’t just indulge myself like i used to. I really think about crawling through all those journals so i can find all the hurt again and just relive everything that has been difficult. Maybe find some answers as to why i feel i need to maintain emotional control. Why communicating is so hard. Why i feel like i am a failure because i still deal with the same patterns and have the same problems i did 10 or more years ago. Feel like i have failed because i do not have that little craftsman house with a toddler, taking them to the farmers market and discovering the world with them.

That’s key right there. I feel like i have failed because i have spent so much time not doing what i want, ignoring the healing that i need to do in order to make myself happy.

No, i feel like i have failed because i was not able to take care of it myself, and now here i am, 38, and haven’t done the two things i have really wanted to do with my life, 1. Live/teach abroad and/or 2. Have a child (with or without a loving partner)

Goodness gracious, that brought out a lot of deep seated emotion in me.

I know i can’t fix everything.