Hyper self awareness as an illusion of emotional self control in Random Thoughts

That’s it. Part of it, at least. I have this hyper self awareness. I know myself very, very well. The reasons why, the triggers, motivations, consequences. Etc etc.

My counselor mentioned that something I said last week stuck with her.I said that I spend so much time and energy maintaining control- emotional control. I have felt that for years. It takes more time and effort for me to just “be” in this world. It’s like I have the emotional vortex inside that I need to keep hold of so that I can keep myself safe in the world.

Mayhaps I have this hyper vigilant understanding of myself so that I have an illusion of the emotional control I think I need to maintain (because what’s going to happen if I don’t- the world disintegrates?).

I also then made the connection that part of maintaining this emotional control is to be in a relationship. When I am with someone, I can focus on them and not myself. I have known that my anxiety and depression is dampened significantly when I am in a relationship. I have considered that this is one reason why I have jumped from one to another pretty easily. But it, too, is an illusion. No matter what, the volatility of my emotions are still within me.

It is near my bed time. I have work to do- with self , and of course as my normal life as a middle school teacher.

Last updated April 29, 2015