15-04.week.84 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

I wasn’t going to write in this for the week I was away. And I wanted to really mean that. Fully. To the point where; I didn’t even start something during the week. I was simply going to allow the week to happen and then… if I wrote about it after the fact or not; it would be after-the-fact.

But here it is 2 am Thursday morning and I’m starting this entry. In approximately 8 hours I will be officially sworn in as a Licensed Attorney. Within the next 24 hours, I will have spent time with my parents, in-laws, wife, brother and sister-in-law and niece.

Over the week, there have been a slew of political items I’ve wanted to write about. The New PC “privilege/shame/criticism/etc”; TPP and Japan’s reaction; the Okinawa Base concerns; the supremely important item (that I’ve been screaming for years) that medicine is now stating exercise won’t cure obesity but food-management might; my concerns for Australian friends amidst the storm and loads more.

With so much down time, I’ve spent a lot of mind on critiques, fixes, and plans for Batman, Superman, Avengers, Iron Man, etcetera.

And, as always, I erupt with marital concerns. Wife does well with my parents and my mother was strong in saying I should never consider Divorce… but my concerns plague me and I cannot simply brush them aside. As selfish as they feel, the concerns are real and I must face them, fix them, or let them consume me.

In short… not writing has worked to let my mind go many places unguided. However, as I should have expected… my ideas don’t simply go through me… they occupy me, they set up shop in my head. They exist inside of me and effect my perspective.

---

It is now 1:11am on Friday morning. I am officially a licensed attorney in the state of Iowa and have Fees, Paperwork, Continued Legal Education, and May 1st Deadlines that must be met. I feel… like an adult. I feel like this, finally, is my first real step into adulthood.

The day was spent with family. Wife’s parents, my parents, my gradfather, my brother and Sis-IL… and it was easy to pretend that everything was okay. That the only thing I needed to worry about was finding work. But then I remembered we haven’t heard dick from our wedding photographer. And since I’m an attorney now; we need to give serious thought to suing him. Which will result in, at best, financial remuneration not to exceed the money previously exchanged for product remaining incomplete. We want our goddamned pictures… he has had almost 46 months to get them completed and given to us. So… we’re going to give him a visit at his place of business before we head back to NE. We’ll see what happens. I’m about ready to knee cap this bastard.

And obviously, simply finding work isn’t the biggest problem in my life. I’ve re-committed myself to trying to eat healthier and exercise more but… this time… I can’t honestly say that my inspiration is my wife. I would, of course, love it if that issue would take care of itself. If my life could magically be healed and my wife’s world wasn’t 100% focused on my wife… if she would at least try to be sexy with/for me… if we could be more of a partnership than a servant-hood.... but it may also be time to simply say “1- I’m getting more fit for me. My self-confidence is completely destroyed by what has gone on, and so I do this to regain some of that. 2- If I am ever going to (however unlikely) re-enter the dating world; I have a responsibility to be fit enough to pull the type of women I’d like to pull. Hell, my friends often display exactly what I would be looking for (another reason my wife’s refusal becomes frustrating.)”

In short… I feel like as large a step as today was… as important as today was to me… actually becoming a lawyer(!)… it isn’t a magic wand. I wasn’t expecting it to be. It is simply another hurdle in an endless race. It was one more hoop to jump through in a long line of obstacles. I suppose I should try to allow myself to celebrate but… it honestly is tough to muster up the celebratory spirit. I still need to find a job… which means I’ll still need to find a place to live… which will then lead to figuring out if this marriage is salvageable… and I’m still in terrible pain (no matter how long this constant pain is with me, there will always be moments where I can’t simply block it out as well.) It just… yeah, this is the dark pessimist in me… but celebrating this event feels premature… my hardest fights are still before me.

---

Friday and Saturday was largely spent with my brother and Sister-in-Law and niece. It was fun! Of course, there was the “required” argument between my brother and I. Wife and I have been trying really hard to get our god damned WEDDING PHOTOS. Well, enter my brother’s typical problem solving method. It has always been this way but… my Brother is and will always be… The Barbarian… in RPG language… he is the Human or Orc that specializes in strength and armor so that he can just charge his way through things. I… I am and will always be the the Rogue or Ranger… I am the Elf or Human that specializes in dexterity and speed so that I can sneak my way through or handle things with more finesse. So… he never respects, accepts, or understands how I do things. We love each other and we’re good friends but our differences pretty much mandate one argument per visit. Just because of how differently we tackle things.

All of us played “Cards Against Humanity” for the first time and, just like Apples to Apples family tournaments, Wife kicked all of our asses. She’s really amazing at those games somehow.

When we got home on Saturday night… and I mean Home: Omaha… Wife started crying. She loved spending time with my family; she thoroughly enjoyed the time in Iowa… and coming back to Omaha, realizing that she had to go back to work tomorrow… it just wrecked her. She hates this place and her job that much. So… there’s that.

As far as my lawyering? I have a bunch of Paperwork I still need to file in order to retain my License… yeah, even though I just got that license… I have to fill out a bunch of paperwork, pay over $200 in Annual Bar Fees, fill out an application to the Young Lawyers Association, and begin to line up my required 15 hours of General Continued Legal Education and 3 hours of Ethics Continued Legal Education. That is what Sunday will be for. Also, there are about 4 jobs that I am going to apply for tomorrow. Because… that is going to be a major part of my world for the next several weeks (months?)… desperately trying to get work!

So Sunday… paperwork, applying for work, catching up on Prosebox, Mortal Kombat Practice… aaaaaaaaand
My friend wants me to help him work on a Digital RPG thing; so I’ll have to test my Laptop Webcam
I’m going to try to find an audio service for my book reading thing
And… because this is who I am… I haven’t had the teeniest bit of sexual release in over 10 days. Likely a silly thing, but.... honestly… this is me. There is a reason why I’d prefer sex at least once a week.