Free until they cut me down in Random Thoughts

Yesterday was hard. Coming to work, i felt like a big open wound, as if anything was going to make me break down, fall apart. On top of the intense counseling on Tuesday, my sleep has been poor. At night my brain won’t stop processing (even if i am exhausted) and i have been waking up around 1-3am.

Last night was harder because Kevin decided to sleep in the bed with me, when lately he has been sleeping on the couch. I rest more comfortably when he is not there, these days. I don’t have to worry about his snoring and whether i should poke him to move and alleviate the snore (the worry comes from him being a jerk to me sometimes when i ask him to move, so i end up sleeping on the couch even though i get up at 5:15 am).

My friend Dios, the one with whom i have been finding solace with in bed, has had some wise words for me. He is concerned about my sleeping habits and what is going on with me emotionally. I greatly appreciate this, because he really is the only one who knows what kind of turmoil i have been dealing with.

Here are his words (as a result of my overly active brain and sleeping) “More think you just need to come to a conclusion on some stuff you are thinking about. Sometimes we can over analyze stuff when we just need to make a decision. Sometimes we get caught in the analyzing because we can’t find the “right” or “perfect” decision, mainly because there isn’t such a thing...... Don’t let your fear of the unknown future ruin your present.”

I do need to talk more through what is going on with me and how he plays into this, because i feel that our communication is playing a pivotal role in how i am coming to critical self awareness and discovery. One thing i appreciated with him when we previously were seeing one another a few years ago was his unabashed requirement of honesty and communication. I was not 100% honest with him back then, because i thought i was sparing him some hurt. In retrospect that was not the best way to handle it. I want to be 100% honest, to trust him and be vulnerable with him, because i know he expects it in return. I want to figure out how to deal with this me that i hide from everyone, learn to communicate my needs/wants/feelings with him, i want to learn how to go into the unknown, where there is no fence, but still feel comfort and support.

And there is more. Some past entries have hinted at something i have not revealed, though i know it about myself. Only now all i can say is that whatever is happening with counseling and happening with this man who requires honesty and communication makes the back of my neck all cold and sends shivers down my spine. Something significant is brewing. It requires deep thought, choices, changes.....but too much rumination may be my ruination.

Last updated April 23, 2015