Life is just crazy. in Since OD is shutting down....

So there’s been something going on here in my town that has completely rocked me. There’s this guy that’s brothers to a guy my brother and I both know that beat a 21 month old boy so bad that he died. This happened Wednesday night and the little boy died Thursday morning. I am just so enraged and heartbroken. I can’t believe someone could harm a child like this and so close to where I live, and I knew the guy to boot! The whole town has been talking about it and it’s all over Facebook. I am just so thankful to know that my niece is safe 24/7 and my nephews are as well, even though they are far away. I am scared to death that if something like this ever happened to my brother’s kids, I’d go stark raving mad. I just can’t understand how someone could just snap and beat a child like this. Ugh, it’s so hard to talk about without getting super emotional so I’m going to switch into a new topic.

It’s been a great couple of days off. I had my niece until 4pm yesterday and today I haven’t done much but I’m sad that I didn’t get a nap but I don’t work until tomorrow at 4pm so I plan to sleep in tomorrow. I need to get laundry and dishes done but I woke up yesterday with a head cold so I’ve been kinda lazy. I feel better today though. I hate being sick on my days off but it’s better than going to work sick, I suppose.

Eric came last night and we watched Cropsey on Netlix, smashed and then just laid in my bed and talked. I think he’s starting to understand where I’m coming from with not wanting a relationship right away and he’s definitely backed off quite a bit. He’s very certain that we are going to end up together but I just think it’s too early to tell. I do like the companionship that we have. It’s honestly really nice to have someone that wants to do stuff with me without just wanting sex. I also like being able to just watch movies and veg out together. He got annoyed with me tonight because I took forever to respond to his Facebook messages so I don’t think we are going to hang out but I’m okay with it because it’s nice to just hang out here by myself and just enjoy the peace and quiet.

I went with my brother and his family to Walmart earlier and got a couple of things and then we had dinner. I helped put little one to bed and visited then came home. It’s so nice to just be at home and have time for myself. I ended up not napping earlier because I was watching stuff on Huluplus. It’s just been nice having time for rest before I start another week.

It’s crazy because I’ve spent some time last night after Eric went home realizing that I really should make more time for things and people outside of work. It’s just hard because I’m just so used to being in my own world and only making time for family that I’ve honestly forgotten what it’s like to have friends. I spent so much time trying to be close to people and giving them way too many chances that I just don’t want to invest in someone and then have it turn out like shit again. I also feel like if people wanted me in their life, they would make more of an effort.

I have realized just how much I’ve changed but I can’t tell if it’s for the better or not. I do like that I’m not dependent on other people but I just don’t want to be so absorbed in this life that I look back years from now wondering how different things would be if I actually had friends and maybe even a boyfriend. I wasted a lot of time and effort chasing the wrong people and most of the people from my past I am not even friends with on Facebook anymore. It does bother me how much effort I wasted just to be where I’m at anyway.

I have friends at work that I text when I’m not working and honestly, that’s enough for me. Mainly because I know better than to mix business with pleasure again but sometimes it would be nice to have more people to talk to. But I like that the only people who really know me is family because I’ve had a lot of people in the past hurt me with the stuff I’ve told then with my private life so I’m just glad that nobody really knows the real me. I just feel a lot happier than no one outside of my family is too close and I don’t have much drama in my life. I also like that I am not chasing anyone and wasting my time. I really like that I’m fine just doing my own thing. It’s crazy as hell because I never thought I’d be where I’m at mentally. I’m in a really good place and I honestly enjoy it.

It’s like I’ve adapted to my life and I am okay with it. I know that I’m kinda bored with my job but I want to get my car and credit card paid down before I think about leaving just yet. I really like what I do and I’m happy because I’m so comfortable there but I know I don’t want to do it forever. I want a better job but for now, I will continue to live in the moment and just enjoy where I’m at. I haven’t heard back from any of the jobs I’ve applied to and that’s okay. I applied online and didn’t put much down for a resume but I think towards the end of the summer, I’m honestly going to start thinking about what I really want to do.

I’m also concerned financially. I really don’t have much money in the bank and it bothers me because I want to have a safety net. I have to stop spending like I do. It’s just hard because I make cash every night and I still have to buy groceries, pay bills, and buy stuff that I need. I just want to get myself back to a good place so I don’t have to worry so much. It just sucks to not have like a grand in the bank at any given time like I used to. I also need to buy some new jeans because I only have one pair that I feel comfortable wearing to work because my other ones are so worn out. I just didn’t want to waste my day off doing it today.

Another thing. I still haven’t gotten paid from that place I worked for a few days and it’s starting to piss me off. I had my Mom return my shit and I know they got paid on Thursday so if I don’t get it in the next few days, I’m going to call and see what the fuck is going on. If I can’t get a hold of someone, I’m probably going to report it because I need that money to pay my credit card bill. It’s bullshit how these companies operate and whether I quit without notice or not, I still need the money I fucking earned! Ugh, I mean this seriously pisses me off.

Anyways, I’m going to be taking my Tylenol PM soon and will shuffle off to bed. I’m bound and determined I’m going to get a good night’s sleep and I want to sleep in until at least 10am so if Eric tries to get a hold of me anytime soon, he’s going to be told he had the chance to hang out with me but now it’s late and I’m not going to be up late. I have a bunch of stuff I should do tomorrow but chances are, I’ll probably just veg out until I have to go to work. I need to return some clothes to Walmart and go put money in the bank but the most I’ll probably do is dishes and laundry because all my work shirts are dirty.

My job kinda pissed me off on Saturday because the boss wants us to start wearing our hates again. I just think it’s bullshit because no one has enforced it in months and now that I’ve adapted to not having to, now like we have to or we will get sent home. I will pick my battles and just wear the damn thing as I’m not trying to lose my job over a fucking hat. I’m gonna be glad when I do find something else because I do get tired of dealing with such petty bullshit, especially for what I’m paid. I think it’s ridiculous but I can’t afford to lose my fucking job over it either.

I will admit that I’m a tad dissapointed that Eric didn’t bug to hang out like he usually does because I wanted to watch a movie and smash like we did last night but it’s whatever. It’s probably for the best because I don’t want us to spend too much time together anyways. I know that I like him enough to want to hang out and stuff but I told him last night that I’m just not ready to open my heart and trust again. I also like not having to worry about someone too. It’s nice to have someone around but not really worry what they are doing and having him expect to see me. I’m glad that he’s backed off but it’s like tonight I wanted to hang out but he just said, “maybe next time” which kinda bothers me but I also want to go get a good night’s sleep too.

My Mom had a job interview today and then a second one tomorrow. I’m glad that she’s trying to get a job again but I get sick of her getting job calls and finding something wrong with every one of them. Her excuses really irritate me. I understand what she’s been through but I wish she’d bounce back already. I feel like she’s still in a state of sadness and loss because she lost her job because of someone being an asshole but I feel like her not keeping a job now for like 2 years, she’s had plenty of time to grieve and start getting herself back together.

So it’s time for me to start getting ready for bed.