Replacements in 2015

I remember when Courtney made Lord of the Rings about Cliff. I don’t even remember how many diary entries I wrote lamenting that. Or all of the other things that were associated with us that she then made about them. Each time, I felt like the past was being stolen from me and that, somehow, the world was a worse place. It was like everything we’d made together was being overwritten. For me, I struggled with nearly everything. One of the great difficulties in that epic teenage drama was the fact that nearly everything in my life was somehow associated with Courtney, and it was difficult to do anything without it reminding me of her.
I think when you care about a person, and you care about a thing, and you make a connection, it’s something special. Something sacred. There’s something that’s yours, but you make it belong to the two of you. It can be really lovely and truly meaningful. It’s a part of yourself (even if they gave it to you), and now, it’s a part of the two of you. Its just wonderful when people do that and can do that. Of course, the downside is that, when the relationship is over, you’re stuck in something of a mess. Disassociation seems to be dishonest. Keeping the association ruins it or just feeds masochism. Reassociation just seems cheap. I also find it ironic that a man who was actively considering sex recently (something that probably ought to be more meaningful than a song) is writing about this and the struggles. Still, it’s something worth thinking about, and the notion has stuck with me all day.
I’ve always enjoyed the band America. The Last Unicorn is one of my favorite movies, and their songs in that are just spectacular. Beyond that, A Horse With No Name doesn’t impress, but I’ve always loved Sister Golden Hair surprise. I’ve associated it with myself for years (I ain’t ready for the alter, but I do agree there’s time when a woman sure could be a friend of mine), but I grew to strongly associate it with Amber back in ‘08 or ‘09. That’s why, when last night, I was with Jordan (we had our first thing that could be called a date on Monday), and she mentioned her own golden hair, I was shocked when I almost went into that song.
I realize this is a bit rambling and is more Open Diary free associating than my newfound Prosebox analyzing, but I’m just not sure what to think yet. At all. Of course, it’s only been a day.
Anyway, part of me thought, “You know what? Screw Amber, you love this song, you don’t like her, just forget it. Sing it.” But, really, for how bad she and I are now, for how low she’s sunk, she’s still been, and likely will be, a bigger part of my life, development, and story than Jordan could dream of. Jordan’s a lovely girl, a wonderful person, and a nice way to pass the time, but she’s not really capable of having the kind of impact on me that Amber did. Maybe I’m just older. Don’t know. At any rate, it just seemed cheap. At the same time, Fat Bottomed Girls came on at work, and I remembered the Applebee’s Karaoke night where I sang that, after having dedicated it to Amber. I remember that every time I hear the song. I’m almost entirely sure she doesn’t. In both of these instances, I want to break the association. But should I? Is it right? It was something that I gave. Do I really want to retroactively declare, “That didn’t count because I don’t mean it now?” Along these lines, suppose I do meet a surprising girl with golden hair and a fat bottom. What then? Should I say, “Sorry dearie, but those songs belong to this girl who used to be wonderful, years ago, but is terrible now?” That doesn’t seem fair. On the other hand, is it right to withhold things from people because they have previously been arbitrarily assigned? And, of course, we go back to the issue where the way I judge myself and my actions is always infinitely stricter than the way I judge anybody else’s.
So I don’t know what to do. It’s all very frustrating and concerning. At the same time, I’m bothered by how little everything that happened between us seems to impact Amber. I think it’s because she wrote it off years ago and just kind of . . . I don’t know what this last year. What of it, then? No idea. It’s frustrating. I’ll need to write more about her, but it’s difficult because I don’t know how much is appropriate to say on her end.
It took me a long time to get over Courtney partially because I’d formed so many associations that everything good in life was Courtney. I don’t think I’ve ever reassigned anything I’ve ever associated with her. She remains the last girl I ever called “the most beautiful girl in the world” because to my fifteen year old, utterly infatuated self, that’s what she seemed to be. Yet that seems silly. Does thirteen years make things silly? Or is it more complicated than that? After Courtney, fearing a repeat of what had happened, I made it a point of never making associations between people and things I liked ever again. Rachael introduced me to a lot of new things, but they became mine (HIMYM, The Mountain Goats, FOTC), and they weren’t associated with her (though fairies have lost some of their luster and I don’t trust manic pixie dream girls). Amanda and I have a single word that remains “ours”. She described it as like a pair of beautiful, uncomfortable, shoes you get to wear on fancy occasions. With Amber? A few things snuck in. What of it? It’s frustrating.
I spend so much time worrying about what’s right and what’s right in a real, Platonic, way, that I’ve shut myself off from the world around me. We need these connections. We need these associations. We need so much in order to be able to really live and love and have human relationships. But, what about when we lose these things? Can we be so guarded?
What is the right thing to do?
I have no idea.