I Feel Dark This Morning in 2015

I started a baby registry yesterday. Mostly out of pure boredom, and also to somehow ease my mind. The goal was to really focus on what we actually need, not just what I think we should have. So overwhelmed. The thing about being so far away from my family, is the realization of just how much they helped with all the gear for Salem and Ian, and how this time around, it seems unlikely that we will receive nearly as much help.

Scott refuses to get a crib this time, because he swears neither of our kids slept in the one we had. Extremely true for Salem. She never did. Ian did. Very rare occasions he slept in it at night, but that is where he took his naps during the day. I have always wanted a co sleeping bed that attaches to the bed. I found one that is also like a dual pack and play with adjustable heights and guard rails. It’s meant for every night sleeping and so that is what we will be going with. That is $200. We decided that we did not want a big traditional high chair, just one of the ones you strap to a chair at the table and later use as a booster seat. Found a decent one for $40. I would use a crappy changing table, but I don’t want to. So for entertainment purposes I registered for one that comes with a laundry basket and shelving with cloth drawers, $120. Baby will need a little dresser, though still reasonable enough to hold a decent amount of clothes in. I found one with 4 drawers, standard as standard gets for $80. Transitional bathtub (not a necessity but nice to have) $40. We have decided to get a sit and stand double stroller. Ian will be 4 when the baby is born, but he is still really dependent on the stroller, and we don’t want to fight him every time we go somewhere. The one we have narrowed it down to is another $200. New car seat $100 plus.

It didn’t make me feel better, at all. Nothing seems feasible to me. Not at all. We sold everything in California. Sit and Stand stroller we occasionally used. Crib and mattress, infant car seat, changing table, glider, cradle, swing, bassinet. I was so sure we would never need any of it again, so it was easy to let go of. I’ve just been giving away Ian’s clothes. What if the baby is a boy? It wouldn’t matter anyway if the baby really is a girl.

Our account is set up with the bank that Scott and his dad will be attempting to get the mortgage loan from. I think Scott intends on starting the process today. I’m not sure when I’ll feel better about it. I think even if they said no, it would just be a relief to stop imagining what we will be doing when our lease is up and start moving forward with a plan. I don’t want them to say no. Logically, I don’t see how they would with Scott’s dad also on the loan. I just get more and more frustrated by it everyday. I should not look at houses, but I do. I’ve given up all hope that Salem will be able to stay at her school. If we were doing it on our own, we absolutely could. Plenty of houses in our price range that are too small for Scott’s parents to also be living with us. The big enough ones, too high. The answer is to move farther. But how much farther? Scott talks about moving so far that it would be a reasonable consideration that our church would become too far to attend. I hate that idea and want to completely reject it, but every time I do, Scott gets upset with me. And then there is my brother. He is 3 miles from work right now. He works at Target and makes $9 an hour. How far a commute is worth it for that much? It’s not the same for him as it is Scott in that aspect. Not to mention that all this time when we have been considering houses, we have been looking at basements that are finished with two bedrooms, not just one because of Scott’s mom, and now he is telling me that there is a possibility that his mom will be in a home again and not living with us after all. That changes things dramatically as far as what exactly our needs are. But its another what if, and I have to tell you, I feel like I am drowning in them lately.

The brightest spots of my days are when Salem and Ian get a long. When Ian tells me how tall he is going to be because he is growing up into a big boy. When Salem reads a 114 page book in one day because she is my daughter and it was a good book. When Scott goes out of his way to be nice to me. When I sit down to eat, and I feel the baby swim and squirm in response. When Scott tells me that he prayed over my belly when I was sleeping. And, when Ian talks to the baby and does this....

Last updated April 22, 2015