Out of the blue/Into the black in Random Thoughts

Monday back from school was tough. I couldn’t sleep well that night because my stomach was full from taking myself out for a nice dinner in Portland. I was emotionally raw and paranoid and anxious and worried about what my peers thought of me. It was like i was back during the times in my life when i really struggled with interpreting people’s actions and misinterpreting their communication with me. Here is a scenario:

I walk into the office to make some copies early in the morning. The two ladies in the office are working and none of us say anything to one another (the are nice, not standoffish). Another teacher walks in (a man who has been there for years) and they are like “So-and-so, how was your break....? ! ?” and on and on. I make my copies and listen, a little hurt that no one said hi to me. Another teachers walks in behind me and i chat a little with him, he is a really nice guy. I leave and am walking through the office, and as i exit, the second teacher walks through and the office ladies are fawning over him asking how he is doing, etc, etc, etc…

I walk down the dark hallway feeling devastated. I just started crying. Thinking that maybe i did something wrong, i recounted the little things that could be wrong with me..... am i withdrawn? did i treat someone wrong? am i too quirky? Of course, i was aware that i did not say hi first. It is very hard for me, the social stuff really affects me.

So, after counseling yesterday, my homework is to say hi to these ladies every morning, calling them by name. I was later than usual to work today, and there were already a lot of people in the office. So, i stood there, all anxious and my heart beating fast as i thought of how awkward i would sound when i called them by name, if i could even get into a spot in which i am not interrupting. Eventually, after standing there for what seemed like a strange amount of time (as i were waiting to ask a question or something). I noticed the sign in sheet (which i never sign) said it was tax day..... so that was my in.

“Happy tax day ladies!” they joked with me afterwards and i reciprocated.

That’s that. I did it, in my own way. Now i shared my goal with the assistants in my classroom and they can ask my if i did my homework that day.