15-04.16.82 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

I feel like writing. I want to write. But it feels like all I have to write about.... wow, can’t even grasp proper grammar right now. How shall I put this? It feels as though my writing, should I write much today, would be strictly focused upon Events and Emotions. As that seems to be just about all I write about anymore… I can’t help but think it isn’t worthwhile to continue writing. But here I go....

Last night I bought a crapton of fruit. I haven’t been eating as healthfully as I would want; so I decided that a bunch of Apples, Oranges, and Plums would make for better snack food throughout the day. Of course… Wife and I leave for a week here coming up soon so… it also means I have to eat all that fruit as a snack lest it spoil. So I figure that’s a good thing. Replace my long bouts of not eating or my bouts of eating shittily with fruit… should help me in some ways, right?

When the wife came back from work last night, I opened up about my disappointments in our relationship. Told her that it felt like complete strangers celebrated my good news more than she did. And it is true. Not just Prosebox. I had a good friend post on her FB how happy and proud of me she was that I had passed the bar and her friends (people I’d never met) were quicker and more enthusiastic with the encouraging and supportive words. Not surprisingly, though, telling Wife this was mostly just an exchange of facts. I told her how I felt, used the FB example; she reiterated that she was super excited for me and proud of me. She did let me kiss her though, which is a nice change. And then, of course, thoughts like that send me into an emotional knot because… being allowed to kiss my wife is just so emotionally conflicting. Because… yes. I expect physical affection. I know after 10 years I shouldn’t but… kissing my wife shouldn’t be a “special occasion.”

Couldn’t sleep last night at all. It doesn’t help that Wife and I sleep in a Full that Wife used as her primary bed before we got married. One more thing she thinks of (almost exclusively) as hers. If we work, I can’t wait to get a Queen Sized or bigger so that I’m not assailed by her legs/kicks/unconscious attempts to claim ever more of the bed area. But it wouldn’t be fair to say that is the primary reason I couldn’t sleep last night. All of this marital stuff just stays on my brain too heavily.

There are two things that come to mind.
First, if I had a female friend IRL that flirted, listened… basically, if I had a female friend IRL that I could go on “dates” with (symphony, concerts, etc) that would talk/listen and periodically make me feel attractive… then my marriage would work fine. Because someone else was making me feel like I mattered. Because someone, anyone was making me feel like I could conceivably be desirable. But of course… that isn’t fair. That isn’t fair to Wife and that wouldn’t be fair to the friend. Because… while it is important for a person’s social world to include many people, all filing different social roles… the role of Wife and/or Partner and/or Spouse should be filled by the individual who has that title. She shouldn’t and I shouldn’t try to rely on a “Relief Pitcher” to come in and save the game in the later innings.
Second, my wife knows me too well and I know myself too well. We both know I lack the strength and self-reliance to file for divorce. Because I would never be able to get past the simplest of concepts. This is my family. I chose to begin this family and I chose to join two families together as one. Wife’s Family and my Family no longer exist as separate entities; they are simply My Family. And walking away from it, leaving it, breaking it up for any reason should not be considered lightly. And leaving The Family because of something as selfish as “my own desires” is atrocious to me. If I’m not happy… that’s on me. I should take responsibility for that and throw myself into work… I should find happiness through my interactions with friends and colleagues… I should embrace a multitude of hobbies that help make me feel more complete. That is my duty and responsibility. And without ever having said that before… Wife and I both know I’m like that. So while my misery does effect Wife and makes her feel bad about our situation… I’m fairly certain that may never be enough to illicit change because we both know how unlikely divorce is from me.

On a completely different note, but no less depressing… I’ve been listening for the Post like an excited child all week. Still awaiting my video game that shan’t be arriving until after I leave the state for my Lawyer’s Induction Ceremony. But of course… after discovering that I passed the bar, I was also listening attentively for the Post because I wanted to know what my score was. You see, last time I was competing against 250 other individuals and my failing score was a 120. I studied 3 times as hard, worked my ass off and was only competing against 100 other individuals this time… what would the passing score be? I’ll tell you… it was a 128. In other words… theoretically speaking… I only answered 8 more questions correctly this time compared to last time. I improved my score by a measly 4 percent! More emotional conflict. Because… while I’m ecstatic that I passed; I still feel like I didn’t improve. Which, again, throws the entire preposterous of the bar exam into light. In other words, what the score suggests to me is that… I am competent to be a lawyer and I was competent to be a lawyer last time but since the state wants to control how many lawyers are allowed to practice, I was practically arbitrarily prohibited from practicing last time. On a three day examination with over 200 questions of multiple choice… a difference of 4% might as well be nothing more than a few random guesses being lucky. Way to go Iowa for completely causing me to lose any faith I may have still had in your Office of Professional Regulation.