Do you want respect, or do you want truth? in Random Thoughts

With spring break coming to an end, I am:

-grateful
-anxious
-sad
-confused
-satisfied
.............on a precipice......... looking everywhere, but somewhat bemused by gazing downward. You know, that scary place that makes our heart beat faster and makes some of us take a few steps back?

My head and heart hurt. I cried twice in the last 24 hours, on the edge of release while in someone’s arms.....never quite at the point of breaking down those walls and giving in, but maybe in the future. It was enlightening and scary and exciting..... What was I thinking afterwards, when he told me that it seemed like I just needed to give over control, to release (and, boy did I know he was right. I’ve always been my own worst enemy, those buzzy bees that live in my head and just don’t stop. The need to always be in control and not allow anyone else to help, from the beginning when I was the oldest of 4 kids and my mom just left us all the time).....what s going through my head?

“How many times have I been that little bird that, once you let them fly free, they are supposed to come back?”

Have I been my own little bird? Allow myself to fly free and when I come back, maybe I will be ...... what? ready? How can I even be that bird, when I am always with myself? I can’t leave myself....

Those thoughts made me cry.

In retrospect, I think I have tried to allow people to help bare my burden. Allow others to pick me back up, and reciprocate that action. I have tried to “release” myself with others. With Mark, my heart was broken because I thought we would have a child together. With Kevin, all it was was me picking him up and being his release. I was ever allowed to/felt safe enough to be free, be me.

So, the therapy I find my release in (besides my good ole fashioned therapist), has been sexual in nature. With a good dose of intro- and retro- spection…

The healing will be ...... Just be.

Thank you.